Andy Carroll is a model despite having a ponytail and you are not

Andrew Carroll, who has a ponytail, is a model. You are not.

Andrew Carroll, who likes Boyzone, is a model. You moved your dresser in front of the mirror so you wouldn’t accidentally look at yourself.

Andrew Carroll, who once had to move in with a teammate and his wife when on bail for assault charges, gets paid to model. Your mother lies about what you do when her friends ask.

Andrew Carroll, perhaps the biggest waste of money in Premier League history, models. You masturbate into socks late at night after your roommates go to bed.

Anyway, there’s no justice in the world and never will be, so you should just get over it. And also, ponytails are hideous.

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