Agüero thwarts apple industrial complex with four goals against Spurs

Sergio Agüero must have a wager: Score a hat trick, get out apple picking – the worst of fall’s coupling traditions.

At least, that would explain the effort we saw today. Universal truth: Apple picking is dumb — the worst part of fall — and no self-respecting soccer superstar would allow themselves to be subjected to it.

So he didn’t. Today against Spurs, Agüero scored four times, the final, superfluous one making it clear he was revolting against our bourgeois traditions.

The man was determined. He’s very cognizant of the fact that they sell perfectly good apples, already in bags, in the most respectable supermarkets. But he was so overjoyed by the possibility of avoiding that awkward car ride with his girlfriends’s sister, he missed a penalty for what would have been his third.

Sergio knew his girlfriend wanted him to wear that new sweater she got for him.

Sergio didn’t care. Hat trick.

Just to prove a point — to himself, to the apple industrial complex, to Manuel Pellegrini, who suggested apple-picking in the first place — Agüero bags a crisp one for his fourth.

Manchester City went on to beat Tottenham, 4-1. Agüero will go on to well-earned Sunday that doesn’t involve an orchard.

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