An Egyptian player used his game jersey to trade for a monkey in Botswana

According to reports, Egyptian national team defender Shawky El Said returned from the Pharaohs’ recent trip to Botswana with a new pet monkey he’d hidden in a vacuum cleaner box. Who hasn’t, right? As the story goes, El Said received the monkey from a local fan in exchange for his game jersey after an African Cup of Nations qualifier.

Seems reasonable, until you look deeper. Despite being a wonderful tournament with some highly entertaining soccer and maybe the most interesting atmosphere of any competition in the world, the Cup of Nations has gotten heavy press in recent days for one thing: Ebola. As a result of the outbreak, the Moroccan government has requested the 2015 tournament be postponed over fears of the virus spreading.

I don’t believe its lies, and thankfully, the country’s plea fell on deaf ears, meaning Africa’s next continental championship will be decided right on schedule. That leaves Morocco in a tough spot, possibly plotting revenge. If its attempt to push the tournament back failed, it’s easy to understand the desire to lash out at the competition in a particularly villainous fashion.

How? With the very weapon the country was originally fighting against: EBOLA!

I can’t prove it — and won’t even try — but I suspect Morocco is now plotting to take down all of its Cup of Nations competitors one Ebola-juiced monkey at a time. Don’t for a second believe that El Said got his new pet from a fan in Botswana. There’s no doubt in my mind where it came from a certain Morocco-born rapper:

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That’s Bronx native French Montana, the rapper best known for coining the terms “Ain’t worried ’bout nothin'” and “HAAAAAAAAAN,” as well as dating Khloe Kardashian for a few weeks. That little guy on his shoulder? That’s his pet monkey, Julius Cesar. In Egypt, he’ll be known as “patient zero.”

It is my firm belief that, in an attempt to reconnect to his lost roots and broaden his Moroccan fan base, French Montana is using connections with the illegal animal trade to distribute poison monkeys to the top contenders for Africa’s crown. Normally, in the face of this knowledge, the responsible thing to do would be to alert the World Health Organization, but as an investigator, I must maintain my objectivity.

Far better to wait and see what French has to say on his next Coke Boys mixtape. HAAAAAAAAAAAN!!!

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