QUIZ: Which Indian Super League team are you?

The Indian Super League is here!

We all know that soccer is the world biggest and best party, and any global bash that doesn’t include India is like a pool party without the water. Something’s missing. It’s hard to imagine a new face that would bring more fun to the game than India.

The ISL — which kicked off this past weekend with 8 teams — represents the ultra-rare chance for fans to get in early and claim to being a day one supporter. You can be at the pub next week, and when some goofball from the Whole Foods side of town comes in with his St. Pauli gear, you can look at him with disdain, knowing you have absolutely adored Delhi Dynamos FC since before it was cool.

MORE: ISL – Where Bollywood, Atlético Madrid, and Nicolas Anelka live under one roof

Picking your Indian Super League team is going to be the start of a deep, soulful bond that will last you a lifetime. It isn’t a decision you want to take lightly, so as a friend of the people, I have devised a simple yet deeply scientific quiz.

Here begins your hunt for subcontinental glory. Add up your points as you go.

1. When meeting a new friend of Indian descent, your first cultural reference is:

  • Slumdog Millionaire, because I’m a terrible person. (-1 pt.)
  • Raj from Big Bang Theory because I’m a terrible person with bad taste in TV. (-2)
  • Good food, but I never mention curry. (+0)
  • Gandhi, because Gandhi, bro. (+1)

2. Who is your current favorite club?

  • Arsenal: I am well-read, scholarly, or at the very least want you to believe that I am. (-2)
  • Real Madrid: I wear white after Labor Day out of spite because it matches my BMW. (+0)
  • Seattle Sounders: I’m often surrounded by lots of people, but always feel so alone. (-1)
  • Bayern München: All I’ve ever wanted was for my father to love me. (+1)

3. Which Beatles album is your favorite?

  • None. I was born in 1989. (+2)
  • The one with that song from the commercial. (-3)

4. Can material goods lead to happiness?

  • Yes. Have you ever seen 2 Chainz frown? (+1)
  • No. Happiness can only come from the validation of my peers. (-2)
  • Maybe. It depends on who’s paying. (+1)

5. What’s your favorite team formation?

  • 4-5-1: I’m super-defensive about everything. Offended you would even ask something this personal. (+2)
  • Flat 4-4-2: In high school, I was voted “Most Likely to Be Forgotten”. (+0)
  • 4-3-3: I’ve seen the original Fast & Furious 11 times, dude. (-1)

6. You find a wallet in the street:

  • Impossible. I haven’t left my apartment in 6 weeks. (-3)
  • Hell yeah! I’m paid! See my answer to the “material goods” question. (+2)

7. Do you believe in “climate change”?

  • Is that a new show? I don’t have Netflix. (+1)
  • Yeah … kinda, but they started to suck after their second album. (+0)
  • No. Today, in my town, it was a full 3 degrees below average. All I need to know. (-3)

8. Which team has the greatest home atmosphere:

  • Inter Milan: Flaming Vespa thrown off the top deck … so you know it’s real. (+1)
  • Borussia Dortmund: My words often come across as harsh, but I always speak out of love. (-1)
  • River Plate: I’m the only one of my friends with any rhythm. (+1)

9. Do you believe that this quiz will have a legitimate or worthwhile outcome?

  • Of course, I trust the author. He is both handsome and wise. (-2)
  • No, but I’m damn excited for the punchline. (-1)
  • I don’t know, but I’m probably going to leave an angry comment or Twitter reply anyway. (+3)

10. If it wasn’t for my hardcore soccer fanaticism, I’d have more time to…

  • Go back and look for the family I lost in Brazil. (+0)
  • Go back and support the new family I started in Brazil. (-1)
  • Get a job, save up and move so I can avoid my family. Maybe to Brazil. (+1)

Now your math pays off. Click on your final score to find out your new lifelong passion:

Total You are …
less than -8 … a fan with distinct and immutable tastes, ones based on a clear and unwavering view of the game. People chide you, but you rest easy knowing your heart is pure.
-4 to -8 … a romantic with a sense of pragmatism, knowing that true happiness comse from the knowledge there’s a time and place for everything. Your dreams are informed by experience.
-3 to 0 … a realist that hasn’t discarded all of your whimsy. Most of your passion is informed by the facts, but you secretly embrace the inexplicable.
1 to 4 … fairly certain there is a right and a wrong, but your disdain of blowhards and fear of variance keeps your confidence in check. You enjoy the order of the world without fearing its chaos.
4 to 7 … kind of intolerable, but you’ve earned it. Soccer is what it is, from the blades beneath the ball to the rules that are rightly known as “laws.” Greatness should be revered.
greater than 7 … the Last Dragon. You take it one day at a time, because that’s what a wise man said to you, and as a result, you can catch Balotelli penalty kicks with your teeth. You’re zen about your superiority and probably didn’t need this quiz to pick a club.