Cristiano Ronaldo would cost as much as Arsenal, the Chicago Cubs, or 13 Chivas USAs

Super-ultra-mega agent Jorge Mendes reckons Cristiano Ronaldo is worth 1 billion Euros ($1.3 billion), and that isn’t even the most batshit crazy thing he said over the weekend.

“We will never find one like [Ronaldo],” the Real Madrid star’s agent told AS. “It is true he is getting better and will continue to improve until he is 40. Cristiano has no limits. Besides being the best footballer in history, he is the greatest athlete of all time. There will be no one like him in the next 500 years.”

So suck it, Lionel. And Pele. And Usain Bolt and Michael Phelps, for that matter.

Ronaldo turns 30 in February, but it’s good to know his body won’t be entering a physical decline during his thirties; unlike, say, the body of every single non-doped professional athlete who has ever walked this Earth. And for that matter walked on Krypton, where Mendes probably thinks Ronaldo was born. It is true.

Manchester United is rumored to be interested in re-signing Ronaldo, as well as Paul Pogba, because the club’s current transfer strategy is basically what happens when you’re feeling lonely, and you’re a bit drunk, and you’re going through your contacts and find your ex’s phone number and so you try to call them because yeah it ended back but there was really a spark, you know, and although it’s been a while and you’ve both changed and moved on, there’s something worth rekindling, something magical that we once had and we can find again … OK, anyway, call me back. Please.

Alas, suitors: Cristiano’s out of your league. “I no longer get calls from anyone asking about Cristiano. It’s not worth them calling to ask for it. The price is that stated in his release clause – 1 billion Euros!” Mendes cackled, extending his thumb and index fingers to make an “L” on his forehead while pivoting on a padded swivel chair, using his other hand to stroke a fluffy cat.

But we’ll see. Agents, after all, make money when players move. And a player who’s turning the big three-oh probably only has one last massive, long-term contract payday to come. His value will depreciate faster than a global bank’s, circa 2008.

Mendes also has his fingers in more pies than the Pillsbury Doughboy: Angel di Maria from Real to United. Diego Costa from Atlético Madrid to Chelsea, James Rodriguez from Monaco to Real were just some of his summer business.

It would take a far longer article than this to detail the full reach of Mendes’s tentacles. Luckily, the Guardian’s David Conn has already written it.

Got a spare $1.3 billion? You could buy Cristiano Ronaldo. Or …

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