Here Comes Santa Claus
Santa Claus got promoted? Congratulations, Santa!
You may be thinking that Mr. Claus is already the benevolent dictator of the elves, so how can he get promoted? That’s easy. You’re thinking of a fantasy character that we only keep around so parents don’t have to admit they bought you some stupid socks. Santa Claus FC is a team in Finland that just got promoted to the third division, thanks to a 94th minute winner.
Remember Andreas Brehme? He scored the winner against England in the 1990 World Cup semifinals and the clinching penalty against Argentina in the final. Since then, his career has gone down the crapper. He hasn’t had a job in eight years and is reportedly over $250,000 in debt.
Graciously, one of his power teammates has offered to help.
“We are willing to take on Andreas in our company cleaning toilets,” Oliver Streuße said. “He will understand what it means to do real work and have a real life. It will improve his image. This, for me, is a way of helping Brehme.”
Overall: A pretty crappy situation.
Triton is adorable
Finally, we have a lion playing with a soccer ball. Why? Just look at him. He’s amazing!
The lion’s name is Triton (not Mufasa), and he lives at the Johannesburg Zoo. He’s only 11, so expect Barcelona to tap him up illegally soon.
They say soccer players are pussies because they dive too much, but those people should feel free to take on this kitty one-on-one and see who comes out the least maimed.