5. LIL KIM: Let It Go (Remix)
Here’s a little lesson, Lil’ Kim don’t stress ‘em.
Kick ‘em all straight to the curb like Beckham
You might be surprised by how many times David Beckham’s name appears in rap lyrics. Then you remember the phrase “kick it”, and you understand why it took me an hour to trim this down to five (that I’m willing to publish without having to explain … certain words).
Kim’s entry is solid. Nothing fancy, but the curb adds a whiff of nuance to a stale simile.
4. GUDDA GUDDA: [Song doesn’t matter]
Kick a snitch head through a goal like David Beckham
You don’t know — or, shouldn’t know — who Gudda Gudda is. That’s cool. I’d give you the other lines to complete the rhyme here, but I refuse to give Gudda Gudda enough “ink” to do so. I do admit, this line did make me laugh.
3. TYLER, THE CREATOR: Domo 23
Wait a got damn second
I’m tripping balls, David Beckham
Would fall cause shit’s going down
Just like Rodney King swimming lessons
This is museum-quality stuff. Beckham reference without kicking anything or referring to feet. A drug reference from a sober rapper. A Rodney King reference that skates right past the police beating and right to his accidental death. Creator, indeed.
2. JAY Z: Wake Up
Evisu jeans cover the rectum
My kick game’s just like David Beckham.
Forget everything I already said about the kicking simile. You rhyme “rectum” with “Beckham” and it becomes clear to everyone why the world considers you the greatest of all time.
Did they discuss this line at the game? Did Beyonce — pardon, Beyoncé (forgive me, my Queen) — grimace when they did? Is Jay Z going to join Beckham and Mauricio Claure in trying to bring an MLS team to Miami? And if it happens, will I be a terrible person for buying season tickets?
1. SHAQ: Karate Chop
Big black ass David Beckham
You see this verse, I kicked it.
Fine. Fine! I lied. Kickin’ it is the obvious and best way to go for Beckham bars.
This is exceptional. Picture Shaq in a Real Madrid jersey big enough to canvas middle America and that mountain-ogre-slowly-rolled-out-of-slumber-to-find-that-his-gold-has-been-stolen voice, and this is the clear winner:
COMMON: Next Time
She was flavor most, and I can spice it up
Be my Black Victoria Beckham once I wife it up
Not a David reference, but a Beckham nonetheless. Common was dating Serena Williams around the time this song came out, so applaud him for appreciating the beauty in various body types.
NICK CANNON: Giggolo
I’m like David Beckham, keep a mean shoe game
But like my favorite records, keep spinning new things.
Shut up, Nick Cannon.