Little known fact: we don’t like to brag and all, but we happen to keep a super secret Soccer Gods crystal ball in the back storage room. Or at least it used to be a secret. So we dusted it off ahead of the upcoming La Liga season in Spain to find out what will happen. Here’s what turned up.
We begin in the first Clasico, on Oct. 26, when the big news will be that Luis Suarez won’t bite anyone on his first game back from suspension. There will be a record number of television cameras focused only on his mouth, though, making it the most filmed mouth in sports history.
On Dec. 13, Valencia’s new Singaporean owner, Peter Lim, will announce that the club will no longer be called Valencia CF. From then on, all press will be forced to call them the Valencia Fighting Petes, or risk having their credentials stripped.
In January 2015, Neymar will copy Leo Messi’s Forrest Gump haircut. Neymar will give a bunch of interviews about how Messi is a fashion icon with way better hair than Cristiano Ronaldo. Messi, in turn, will respond by continuing to ignore Neymar’s existence entirely.
By Feb. 23, Real Madrid will file an official petition to FIFA, asking to field 13 players at once. Their argument will be that they’ve spent way too much money on their players and it’s unfair to force Carlo Ancelotti to sit some of them. President Florentino Perez will continue forcing Ancelotti to play $105 million purchase Jimmy Rodriguez and $130m buy Gary Bale, while better players ride the pine.
Come March, the rest of the Villarreal players will complain to the couch about the Dos Santos brothers, Gio and Jonathan, saying that they only pass the ball to each other. That is, they do that until one of them gets mad at the other, picks up the ball and says, “Screw you guys, I’m going home.”
In the April Copa del Rey final, Villarreal will win 3-2 over Athletic Bilbao. All the goals will come in the first seven minutes. In the 94th, Athletic will send goalkeeper Gorka Iraizoz up for a corner. He’ll forget that he can’t use his hands and punch the ball into the net. The referee will give him a red card, and later Luis Suarez will get banned for it since they’ll assume he was the inspiration.
So call up your bookie and make some bets. All of this is Soccer Gods-guaranteed to come true.