Premature Tacticulation: Frank Lampard’s Role At NYCFC Still Unclear

How will the ex-Chelsea legend be used in New York?

Yesterday, New York City FC unveiled its latest signing, Frank Lampard. Seated in between director of football operations Claudio Reyna and head coach Jason Kreis, the Chelsea legend was announced as NYCFC’s fourth player and, after David Villa, its second designated player. The club will play its inaugural MLS season beginning in 2015. That’s it. Let’s go home. Wait, I’m forgetting something.

Even if a team doesn’t even have enough players to avoid a forfeit in a 7 v 7 recreational league, it’s never too early to speculate on tactics, right? It takes a particularly nimble speculator to imagine the missing seven-elevenths of a hypothetical. Now, I’m hardly agile enough to keep storylines of Game of Thrones straight, but, I’ll take a stab. Based on the present state of NYCFC and its roster, here are my top five most likely ways Jason Kreis will use Frank Lampard.

1. Primarily, as a soccer player, but not until 2015

Despite his age, smart money is on Lamps continuing to be a professional footballer who thrives in the midfield and is a scoring threat outside the box. Tacticulator Score (1–10, ascending in likelihood): 9.5.

2. Concert buddy

Every big act comes to New York City. It can be overwhelming for a spouse or friend to be dragged out over and over when he or she really just wants a quiet night at home with the Kardashians. Frank “The Tank” Lampard is a capable stand-in. Tacticulator Score: 4.25.

3. Translator

The fact that Lampard speaks British English is hugely advantageous for NYCFC. Instead of relying on hearsay and tabloids, the club can send Lamps into the dark corners of the Old Country and mine talent from the likes of Metheringham and Felixstowe, not to mention Londontown. Tacticulator Score: 5.5.

4. Middle Relief Pitcher

NYCFC will play its first season at Yankee Stadium. What better way to get to know the pitch and the crowd than sticking Frankie boy in the bullpen for the next few months? Joe Girardi burns through arms. Tacticulator Score: 1.5.

5. Footwear Model

Any club that wants to be taken seriously has to partner with the right corporate apparel manufacturers. Nike. Adidas. Puma. NYCFC could set Lampard loose on these unsuspecting footwear behemoths. Tacticulator Score: -200.