Arming Players with Guns Would Improve Soccer Dramatically

That’s right, guns.

Here is a simple but awkward question for all those liberals shedding crocodile tears over Giorgio Chiellini’s shoulder: would Luis Suarez have bitten the Italian defender if there was a good chance that Chiellini could have pulled a handgun from his sock and defended himself with lethal force?

Not sure? Okay. How about this: would Arjen Robben have flopped to the ground in the penalty area, robbing Mexico of a place in the quarterfinals, if he knew Rafa Marquez was likely packing a Smith and Wesson in the waistband of his shorts, eager to administer citizen’s justice?

The liberal establishment will not like this idea, but the liberal establishment is also soccer’s biggest special interest group, and how do liberals expect real Americans to identify with a “sport” in which not one of the 22 men rampaging around the field—or, indeed, the man tasked with keeping the peace, soccer’s sheriff, the referee—is armed.

It goes without saying that the referee should be armed. A handgun should do the trick. The problem of players abusing the official over decisions would vanish in an instant. But I would suggest that players, too, should be licensed to carry weapons.

Look at the terror on Marquez’s face as Robben—a serial offender with the shaved head of your typical soccer thug—writhed on the floor, having tripped over the Mexican’s foot. Marquez was completely helpless to do anything but plead his innocence to the referee.

Of course, the use of guns on the field needs to be enforced by legislation. The State of Florida’s “Stand Your Ground” law is a good starting point. If it were enforced in world soccer, Marquez wouldn’t need to react fearfully, passively; he could hold firm, get Robben in his sights, and protect himself and his goal-line property from the Dutch trespasser. “Simulation,” to use FIFA’s Orwellian language, would carry a heavy price.

Patriotic Americans hate ties—an unnatural socialist redistribution of sporting glory that would make Lenin and George Soros smile—but at least in the knockout stage of the tournament, soccer starts to get it right. Still, are the people who run the game so dumb as not to realize the awesome potential in the concept of a literal sudden-death shootout?

Beyond firearms, there are other modifications that could improve the game. The defensive “wall” put in place for free-kicks is a pathetic attempt to protect a team’s borders. Men are humiliatingly forced to stand next to each other, behind a line of shaving foam, holding their genitals, and praying for the best. Wouldn’t it be more effective to take the suggestion of former GOP presidential hopeful Herman Cain’s plan for border control and erect an electrified fence to keep out the enemy?

These are just some of the ideas soccer needs to embrace if it is to make it in America, especially among the key demographic of people who have at least three great-great-grandparents who were born in the country.