Who To Support Now That England Is Eliminated

Hint: It has something to do with a high school teacher

Now that England has lost two matches, my thoughts are turning toward who I should cheer for once the Three Lions board the plane back to old Blighty. Too soon? Nah. This World Cup is too good to wallow over the losers.

Forget Italy—they beat us, even though they’re not at being at their best. But, Maestro Pirlo aside, they’re hardly the gung-ho, all-out attackers I want to be rooting for.

Unlike some England fans, I won’t choose who to shun based on whether we’ve ever had a war with them. I mean, historically speaking, England has been at war with everyone at some point or another, so I’d end up with no team to support. Then again, though I do love Leo Messi and Sergio Aguero, I still can’t quite bring myself to cheer Argentina to World Cup glory.

A dark horse perhaps? Bosnia and Herzegovina impressed for long spells against Argentina, but then I’d have to spell check Hez, Herza, Herzegovina every time.

Belgium? A lot of exciting players, a World Cup legend as coach, and really delicious chocolate. But, really? Do Belgians even cheer for Belgium? Besides, there’s a healthy streak of Chelsea and Manchester United players in the squad, which makes them, for a Liverpool supporter like me, unlikeable from the start.

How about Japan? Their fans clean up their own trash at the end of matches, the team plays intelligent and exciting football, and they invented ninjas. But even as an Englishman, a nation generally known for good manners, these guys are just too polite. Nice girls always like bad boys, and I am as nice as they come.

Team USA? My adopted home, land of the free and, in principle, the greatest nation on earth? Just seems like bandwagon jumping to me. Australia, the land of my Mum? They’re worse than England. And the accents…enough said.

Maybe I should go with the squad that has the most players I’d like to see playing for Liverpool. It’s never going to happen with most—or any!—of these guys, but if you’ve seen the way Thomas Müller brilliantly ambles around the field, or the way Mario Goetze twinkletoes his way through the opposition, or the fact that Philip Lahm can basically play anywhere and has forgotten more about being a right back than Glen Johnson will ever know—well, then you can’t help but be impressed by the Germans. Not to mention the magic of Toni Kroos, who (allegedly) used Manchester United to get a better contract, and Marco Reus, who’s at home with a bag of frozen peas on his ankle. Anyone of these players would be most welcome in the red of Liverpool.

Add the fact that I picked Germany to win it before the tournament started; the booger-shake that Joachim Low gave Cristiano at the end of the game; that I have a German car (brand withheld unless they’re offering a new one); that their political leader doesn’t take any shit; that my German teacher in high school was ridiculously hot; and that I look good in Lederhosen (don’t ask). Yes, my second team is Germany.