Cristiano Ronaldo’s Profile


Earlier this week, reports surfaced that Cristiano Ronaldo, the reigning Ballon D’Or winner and Portuguese talisman, had stormed out of training and declared himself “out of the World Cup.” The soccer world is rife with rumor-mongering, and this, it turns out, was in fact baseless, but we discovered something else in the course of our investigation–that Cristiano had recently used the popular dating website to assist with his romantic adventures. After lengthy negotiations and two trips to the emergency room, we obtained a copy of Cristiano’s profile in exchange for a Portuguese Water Dog (which we had to purchase), two growlers of Deschutes Brewery’s Twilight Summer Ale, a nine-volt battery, and an agreement to keep our source’s identity confidential.


Parody. All photos Getty Images.


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