I’ve been somewhat suspicious of cannibals ever since my mother read Robinson Crusoe to me as a child. Hannibal Lecter and Jeffrey Dahmer only added to my mistrust of those who eat their own kind.
But recently, I’ve become a fan of cannibalism. The political kind, that is.
Watching the president and his thirsty band of maladjusted misfits rip their teeth into one another in recent days is some of the most entertaining gore since the second season of The Walking Dead.
With the bravery of a man who would have been a war hero had it not been for his bone spurs and family wealth, President Trump hunkered down behind Twitter this week to lob repeated attacks against his attorney general and long-time backer, Jefferson Beauregard Bucephelus “Billy Duane” Cletus Sessions III. The Twitter barrage fueled speculation all week that Trump is trying to convince Sessions to climb willingly into his cannibal’s cauldron, mostly because the president is too wimpy to actually utter his reality TV catchphrase in real life.
Adding a pinch of zest to this white-meat Beauregard stew is the Spice Man himself, Sean Spicer. The haplessly tongue-tied former press secretary was tossed into the cannibal’s cauldron last Friday and replaced by used-car salesman Anthony Scaramucci, who entered the White House flashing his teeth with his own appetite for GOP flesh.
Just a few suit-changes into the job, the Mooch apparently tried to add to the cannibal stew this week by pushing White House Chief of Staff Reince Priebus into the cauldron’s boiling water. In a bizarre Wednesday night tweet, Scaramucci seemed to threaten Priebus with an FBI probe into White House leaks—something he later denied.
Scaramucci, who previously likened his relationship with Priebus to that of the Bible’s Cain and Abel (the former killed the latter), quickly backpedaled and deleted his tweet, adding confusion to insult. If Scaramucci’s messaging comes across as incoherent and contradictory, please forgive him—it’s the main job requirement to work as Trump’s head of communications.
The GOP cannibalism didn’t end there. Trump also used Twitter this week to tenderize Republican Sen. Lisa Murkowski and put all other Republican senators on notice—get on board the Obamacare repeal train wreck, or get in the pot.
Mike Pence, meanwhile, continues to smile and clap. He’s just happy to have a job, and is trying to avoid getting pushed into the cauldron himself (“It’s the honor of my lifetime to clap for you, mister @POTUS, sir.”)
But here’s the thing. If you find yourself feeling bad for Sessions, or Priebus, or Spicer, or any of these other fools, don’t bother. They don’t deserve your sympathy.
Trump said it best.
That’s right, the president and his pack of long-tailed rats have turned Washington from a swamp into a sewer. And when a sewer rat gets hungry enough, it’ll eat its own kind.
Until this country has an opposition party that’s worth its salt, Republican cannibalism might be the best we can do.