How did we prepare for Game of Thrones’ return? Sort ourselves into houses, of course

With the seventh season premiere of HBO’s highly lauded and thoroughly binged Game of Thrones just around the corner, The A.V. Club is taking a look back at the series and all the excitement the show has brought audiences over the years. And, of course, there’s only one way to prepare for a show like this: deciding which house our writers belong to!

I choose membership in House Lannister. I realize that puts me in sinister company, but there’s no house in Westeros that’s free totally from moral taint, so I’m not going to let a little evil distract me from the clear benefits of membership in the Lannister clan. First, they have the best sigil. No disrespect intended to the Starks’ gray direwolf or the Greyjoys’ ferocious sea kraken—those are excellent mascots in their own right. But the Lannisters’ visual emblem, a golden lion on a field of red, presents fashion opportunities too sumptuous for me to pass up. Gold and crimson look great on a doublet, so I’d truly stand out in the crowd as we gathered for the latest beheading. Second, the Lannisters have the best motto: “A Lannister always pays his debts.” Granted, that’s an unofficial slogan, not their “real” motto, but it’s the saying that the producers of the show have chosen to play up, for good reason. The motto can be interpreted two ways: assuring allies that the Lannisters have their backs and assuring enemies that if you wrong the members of this family, they will be sure to even the score. I like a house that knows how to say a lot by saying a little.

If I had a choice, I would choose House Greyjoy. Even though the Iron Islands is arguably the most dreadful-looking place in the seven kingdoms, with by far the worst weather, I have deep respect for the Greyjoys. They aren’t angsty like the Starks or hoity-toity like the Lannisters. They are a hearty ocean people who don’t need the Sun God to get things done. They worship the Drowned God, who sounds terrifying and badass. They also have this weird kind of democracy where they vote for their leaders, then drown them in the sea. If you don’t drown to death, then you get to be king. It’s so savage and democratic. I love it. The official house motto is “We Do Not Sow,” but their unofficial house motto, “What Is Dead May Never Die,” is the exact phrase I say to myself during my weekly kickboxing class. Theon has always been one of my favorite characters, and I would be happy to have him as a brother. For the record, House Greyjoy almost elected their first female leader, Yara, until her slimy good-for-nothing uncle showed up and ruined it for everyone. But for a blissful moment, the Iron Islands was almost ruled by a woman. #I’mwithher(Yara)

So here’s the thing, I don’t watch Game of Thrones. I know! I know. I’ve tried many a time, but like, you guys, there’s just SO much to keep track of. Also if dogs are routinely dying in a show, there’s just no way you’re getting me to tune in. So when asked what GOT House I would belong to, my response was uhhhh yeah, I definitely couldn’t even tell you the name of one. So I did as I usually do when in search of clarity: I took a Buzzfeed quiz. I was asked thoughtful questions like, “What would you value most in the known world?” To which I answered, “Good Boots” because it is my dearest held belief that in comfortable shoes, you unlock your true potential. (That’s trademark “me” folks, so don’t get any funny ideas.) After six or seven questions like this, I got the result that I am House Tyrell because apparently I am a “deep thinker and can always manage to keep a clear head.” I would never describe myself as a deep thinker, and I routinely enter rooms simply to forget what I needed from there in the first place. But hey, if the Tyrells are both wise and badass, then sign me up. GO TYRELLS! TYRELLS #1!!


The GOT episode of the A.V. Club Hosted by John Teti airs this Thursday @ 9PM ET/PT on FUSION TV.