Premier League Diary: Is Tony Pulis the police?

Woop woop!

What’s that sound? Is it the sound of Jamie Vardy turning off American History X, putting down his thimble of sherry and amino acids, and checking the extension of his ban?

Vardy will now sit out the game against Manchester United at the weekend. That is the game that would give Leicester the Premier League title (if they win) for the first time in their history. The club would be the second champion to come from outside of the established Premier League Big Four.

Vardy’s goals could well be missed. The professional irritant and shit haircut is banned for a second game for directing his displeasure at the referee for daring to send him off for being a risible cheat. Leicester will have to make do without his spiky hair, spiky talent, and don’t forget racism for another game yet.

Woop woop!

What’s that sound? Is it the sound of Riyad Mahrez, scorer of Leicester’s first goal against Swansea at the weekend, collecting his PFA Player of the Year award?

Mahrez has comfortably been Leicester’s best player this season, adding his craft to Leicester’s almost supernatural devotion to high intensity play and extensive running throughout the season. He has pace and energy, yes, but he also has the brains to create for others, the passing to open up the opposition, and the technique to make a move to a better-paying side almost inevitable. He has done more than anyone, including Vardy, to take Leicester to the brink of a unfathomable success.

Woop woop!

What’s that sound? Is it the sound of another pathetic display from Arsene Wenger’s Arsenal, finally putting another French nail in a French coffin of title hopes?

Arsenal could only manage a 0-0 draw with Sunderland at the weekend. Sunderland players treated it like a victory, despite taking just a point from it when more are needed to seriously pull away from the relegation zone. But Arsenal’s players and fans treated the draw like a defeat. It summed up Arsenal’s season, and perhaps, last decade, in a few brief moments.

Wenger’s men jogged around and tried a few flicks and tricks, and went close to almost scoring some pretty goals. At one point Theo Walcott, perhaps overdoing the symbolism, literally and pointlessly jumped over the ball. But when it comes down to it, Wenger failed against Sam Allardyce, a man who sat there like a massive ham sandwich in sportswear, chewing his gum cud like the most satisfied cow-human hybrid in existence.

Woop woop!

What’s the sound? Is it the parping of Louis van Gaal and Alan Pardew — perhaps the two strangest egoists in Premier League management, which is saying something — guiding themselves and their teams, in order of importance, to an FA Cup final?

Manchester United was comedically exciting both in the manner in which they overcame a poor Everton side and the manner in which they nearly failed to do so, while Crystal Palace took on Watford in a game of Big Headers and emerged as the winners, two Big Headers to one.

Woop woop!

What’s that sound? Is it the sound of White Hart Lane deflating?

There have been a few accusations of Spurs “Spursing it,” and as lazy purveyors of lazy cack, we’d usually be inclined to agree. But that doesn’t seem entirely reasonable today. A 1-1 draw against Tony Pulis’s West Brom is a disappointing result, but it’s hardly like Spurs choked, they were just a bit crap. Dele Alli got wound up and gut-punched Claudio Yacob, but that’s not enormously out of character. And let he who hasn’t felt the urge to give Yacob a bit of a slap cast the first stone.

Spurs did not bottle the league because they never had chance to bottle it. They went on an exceptional run to almost catch Leicester, and on Monday it ended. But it was not some game where the title was on the knife edge, it was just the eventual proof that they weren’t invincible, which we already knew. They’re still the best side in the country right now, they just haven’t been for long enough, soon enough. So what is that sound?

Woop woop!

It’s the sound of the Pulis!

Woop woop!

It’s the sound of the Pulis!

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