Hump Day Dumpster Dive: Jose Mourinho’s new scorched earth policy spares no one except Jose Mourinho

It’s almost the end of the year, dear readers, and we have so much to reflect on. The beautiful game in 2015 has given us so many wonderful memories. I’ll never forget where I was when Jack Warner wasn’t extradited to the U.S. to face charges of racketeering and money laundering, for example. Before you get too depressed thinking of all the terrible decisions that you’ve made this year, let’s dive into the dumpster together.

during a press conference ahead of the Barclays Premier League match between Chelsea and AFC Bournemouth at Chelsea Training Ground on December 4, 2015 in Cobham, England.Ian Walton

Mourinho has gone full Mourinho

This is not a drill. He’s finally done it — José Mourinho has gone Full Mourinho. In Monday’s edition of the Premier League’s Racist Abuse Derby, Leicester City emerged as convincing 2-1 winners. The Foxes have been as impressive all season as The Blues have been dog shit, so the result itself was not unexpected. Riyad Mahrez continued his superb form with two magical and decisive contributions, while most of Chelsea’s key players yet again performed atrociously. John Terry was taking a quick power nap for Leicester’s opening goal, and Oscar, Eden Hazard, Pedro, and Cesc Fabregas all pooled together to contribute the sum total of not a goddamned thing.

What was remarkable, though, was the way in which Mourinho scorched the earth in his post-match interview. He couldn’t resist his usual World’s Worst Loser act of apportioning blame to some bizarre force (ball boys again), but this time he went beyond the final frontier of Mourinho-ness. This time, he threw his players under the bus. Then he drove another bus over the first one and set both on fire. To be fair to Mourinho, some of these shithouse Chelsea players deserve to be called out, as at least half of them have clearly been drinking vodka during games or something. But if there was ever an unequivocal sign that Mourinho was finished with this team, it was the sight of him publicly calling out his players in such an unprecedented way.

He sarcastically referred to Hazard deciding that was injured, and he pointedly questioned the commitment of the team. He even went so far as to repeatedly say that the team had “betrayed” him, and to suggest that their play now was closer to their true level because he had them playing above themselves last year. Ouch.

For all of Mourinho’s antics, he has always been renowned for developing strong bonds with his players; it’s why they play so hard for him, and buy in so totally to his ideas. Even his silliest outbursts could have been interpreted as a way of him deflecting negative attention away from his players and onto himself. On Monday, all that usual solidarity and protectiveness went out the window when he decided to shit all over his charges instead. He may have a point, but disparaging your players to the media while absolving yourself from blame — while orchestrating the worst league title defense in living memory — is a sure fire way to get yourself sacked. He’s a goner.

during the Barclays Premier League match between Leicester City and Chelsea at the King Power Stadium on December14, 2015 in Leicester, United Kingdom.Laurence Griffiths/Getty Images

Soccer is definitely, for sure free of doping

Definitely not speaking of Leicester City, but let’s have a brief word on performance-enhancing drugs.

I’m no lawyer, but it’s safe to assume that you can’t just go around accusing people of being blood-doped up to their eyeballs without having some firm evidence to support such a claim. As a result, please bear in mind that this is a hypothetical discussion. But, on the very minuscule chance that the use of performance-enhancing drugs is at least as prevalent in soccer as it is in other major sports (crazy talk, I know), there are certain teams that present themselves as more likely candidates for a little bit of the ol’ Lance Armstrong special.

Let’s say, for example — hypothetically, of course — that there was a team performing well beyond its level of talent. And let’s say — hypothetically — that said team had one or two key players who were suddenly, relatively late in their careers, performing at a level not in keeping with their developmental trajectory to this point. Shouldn’t it raise some eyebrows if previously middling players were seemingly unaffected by a high intensity playing style? It would be odd to see players who were never before noted for their superior fitness suddenly making lung-bursting runs late in games, wouldn’t it? But making such a baseless and unfounded argument is not only legally perilous, but below the high journalistic standards to which we hold ourselves to here at The Soccer Gods. Move along; nothing to see here.

BARCELONA, SPAIN - MARCH 08:  Lionel Messi of FC Barcelona (C) runs with the balls under a challenge by Abou Diaby (L) and Johan Djourou (R) of Arsenal during the UEFA Champions League round of 16 second leg match between Barcelona and Arsenal at the Camp Nou stadium on March 8, 2011 in Barcelona, Spain. Barcelona won 3-1.  (Photo by David Ramos/Getty Images)David Ramos/Getty Images

Further proof that God does not want Arsenal fans to be happy

Barcelona again, for Christ’s sake!

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