There is so much bloody soccer happening. Arsenal is
awesome terrible awesome terrible. Bayern Munich just served up another reminder that we shouldn’t even bother watching any of its games until the Champions League semi-finals. José Mourinho is living out a terrible nightmare that will probably end in an eight-figure payout deal. Manchester United is…zzzzz. Let’s get to dumpster diving.
Dynamo Kyiv: Fighting racism with racism
Last week, Dynamo Kyiv fans were captured on video attacking a group of black Chelsea fans. The Ukrainian club is now facing charges from UEFA for the racist behavior of its home fans. Barely six months ago, Dynamo Kyiv was punished with a fine and a partial stadium closure for (you guessed it) fans racially abusing Everton players. Having finally come to terms with the problem of a section of its fan base being bigoted dickheads, Dynamo Kyiv has decided to take action. That action, according to one club director, is to segregate the stands.
That’s right, the proposed solution to black fans being attacked in the stands is to just relocate the darkies. You’ve got to hand it to them—it’s a novel approach. If there’s one thing that history has taught us about race, it’s that segregation is never problematic. Nope. Never. Naturally, following the media shitstorm that resulted from this very, very stupid idea, Dynamo Kyiv has since tried to distance itself. But given the club’s history of racist abuse, and its inaction in dealing with that abuse, this (racist) horse may have already bolted the stable.
Messi wants a new contract (again)
According to recent reports, Lionel “The GOAT” Messi is now “more open” to the idea of moving to the Premier League. The usual suspects with more money than sense have been linked with a move for the Barcelona star, despite the fact that his buyout clause is more than the GDP of some countries. Obviously, there is not a chance in hell that Messi leaves Barcelona any time soon. There are maybe a handful of clubs on the planet that can actually afford what it would take to pry him out of the Camp Nou, and even then it would take a minor miracle. But we’ve seen this story before. Messi is halfway into his current contract, and now—by total coincidence—stories start popping up in the media about the possibility of him leaving.
Before this latest round of bullshit rumors is over, Messi will no doubt be linked with various shock moves to Chelsea, Manchester United, Manchester City, and maybe even Paris Saint-Germain for good measure. The end result will be a new contract and a pay raise at his current club, because that is what Messi is really after. And why shouldn’t he be? Messi has already cemented his place as Barcelona’s greatest ever player, so he has all the leverage to demand whatever he wants. He is the best in the world, after all, and he’s entitled to be paid like it. Keep gettin’ dem checks, young fella.
Reminder that the best striker in England might be a racist
Jamie Vardy is the top scorer in the Premier League, having already scored ten goals for fifth-placed (!) Leicester City. A late-blooming journeyman striker having a great run of form for an unfancied team is the perfect heart-warming underdog tale. Vardy now has an excellent chance of representing England at next year’s European Championship, and could even get himself a big money move over the summer. It’s the kind of feel-good story that is all too rare these days, except for the fact that it’s hard to feel good for someone who racially abused a fellow patron at a casino. Vardy has more goals than he has instances of calling a person of Asian descent a “Jap” on camera, but not by much.
You’re old and you’ve done nothing with your life
Instead of playing video games in his mom’s basement like the rest of the #millenials, Julian Nagelsmann is busy getting ready to take over as manager of Hoffenheim in Germany’s Bundesliga. He’s 28 years old. Nagelsmann, currently coaching the team’s under-19 team, won’t be taking over until the start of next season, as he hasn’t yet completed
high school his senior coaching badges. When he does, he will become the youngest head coach in Bundesliga history. Just in case you needed another reason to feel like your life is rapidly you passing you by with little or nothing of value to show for it, just think about a goddamned 28-year-old managing a team in one of the biggest leagues in the world. See you next week.