Have you heard the good word? The people of Liverpool have been freed from tyranny! Brendan Rodgers’ oppressive run of increasingly poor results and even poorer squads has ended. Salvation has been delivered to those who shall not walk alone, in the form of Jurgen Klopp, who was unveiled today as the club’s new manager.
Today is a day of hope for the Liverpool faithful, and rightfully so, since Brendan Rodgers was a human clown show. But some of that optimism ignores a very real set of constants, under which the universe tends to operate. How good can Liverpool really ever be? Even with “the good Jurgen” in charge, can Anfield ever again be the home of a champion? To answer that question, we looked into the future and predicted Jurgen Klopp’s first season with the club.
October 9: Peak KloppMania invades Merseyside as Jurgen Klopp is officially unveiled as new Liverpool manager. He blesses the starving masses with outsized expectations and an assurance that they will never walk alone.
October 17: After a predictable loss away to Tottenham, the first angry tweets arrive in Liverpool owner John W. Henry’s mentions. After just over a week, fans are already suggesting that Jurgen Klopp should be walking alone, right off a cliff.
December 26: Klopp embraces his first season without a winter break by distributing presents to sick and injured children in a Liverpool hospital. Daniel Sturridge is excited to get a new PlayStation 4, but the rest of the kids are visibly disturbed by a tall, skinny, spectacled Santa Claus. Distraught that he couldn’t connect with the youth of Liverpool, Klopp walks home from the community center. Alone.
January 16: Klopp’s first meeting with Manchester United is marred by a touchline brawl with Louis van Gaal, after the coaches misunderstand each other’s flailing arm gestures and rubbery facial expressions. Neither manager walked alone, as both were escorted off the field by match officials.
January 31: Expecting Marco Reus and Mats Hummels to join the club in the winter transfer window, Liverpool fans are disappointed when a Joe Allen contract extension is the only major business to take place. Several players’ agents walked out of Anfield alone.
March 12: Liverpool looks set for a top four finish after beating the relegation-zoned Chelsea. Jose Mourinho is fired and walks alone to his car with a box full of his belongings.
May 15: After consecutive defeats in the last two games of the season against Watford and West Brom, Liverpool’s top four chances fade. Savvy fans claim that they knew Klopp was the wrong choice for manager all along, and the club should have waited for Carlo Ancelotti. Later that week, Ancelotti is spotted walking alone through the door of his chiropractor’s office.
May 18: Klopp finds redemption as Liverpool wins the Europa League final in Basel, Switzerland, qualifying the club for next season’s Champions League. Thousands of Liverpool fans walk together into pubs across the globe to celebrate continental mediocrity.
May 19: Brendan Rodgers is seen, walking alone, muttering to himself that Jurgen Klopp never would have won a trophy if he didn’t leave Liverpool stocked with talent.