It’s the international break! One of those handful of times a year where crap national teams compete against each other for the chance to take part in some summer tournament that will be ultimately disappointing and several levels below the quality of elite club soccer. Huzzah! In the spirit of the international break, it would no doubt be understandable if the Hump Day Dumpster Dive was to withdraw for two weeks with some opportune minor injury. Fortunately for you, dear reader, the truth doesn’t take time off (and after all, the rum isn’t going to pay for itself). Off we go.
In remembrance of Brendan Rodgers #RIP #YNWA
Oh, Brendan, we hardly knew ye. Although Liverpool’s sacking of Brendan Rodgers was predicted in this very column last week, it is incredibly disappointing to see him go. Not because he was an elite manager, or because Liverpool doesn’t deserve a manager who isn’t a complete fraud, but for his unwavering commitment to bullshit. Who else is going to feed us nonsense about his team being “outstanding” in a match where it looked like the players had never met each other before? It’s bad enough that Liverpool’s owner, Fenway Sports Group, has deprived us of our Brendan, but now it looks likely that they will replace him with Jürgen Klopp, a manager who has actually won things, and who is less of an embarrassing blowhard.
Before you know it, Klopp will have figured out that half the Liverpool team are clowns and no-marks, and may even get about the business of replacing them with half-decent players. It’s not hard to imagine a future in which the chance to work with a good manager convinces Liverpool’s best player, Philippe Coutinho, to not jump ship for Barcelona next summer. If Liverpool back Klopp financially, there is a frightening possibility that he will be able to arrest the club’s two decade long slide into becoming a sad joke. And no one wants that. #BrendanIn
You know how this ends, Arsenal fans
Don’t do this to yourselves, Gooners. Not again. You promised that last time would be the last time. We’ve all seen this movie before, and we all know how it ends: bitter, bitter disappointment. Arsenal completely dismantled then league leader Manchester United last weekend, looking every bit like a potential title winner in the process. But let’s get real. Arsenal, over the course of the last decade, has existed solely for the purpose of inflicting emotional abuse on its fans. Arsenal is less of a proper soccer team, and more of a metaphor for how cruel life can be when you allow hope to creep into the mind.
At some point, you’re going to have to learn to love the one you’re with, and accept that the one you’re with is not going to be a real title challenger again while Arsène Wenger is in charge.
Just give Bayern Munich that big ass plate now and get it over with
What’s the point of wasting everyone’s time for another six months? Borussia Dortmund has vastly improved from last season, and was widely predicted to provide a genuine challenge to Bayern Munich for the first time in three years. Unfortunately for those of us who enjoy competition, Bayern took those predictions to an abandoned field, lit them on fire, and laughed maniacally as they burned. Bayern put five goals past its closest rival, and it could have well been double that.
It’s only October, and the Bundesliga is already a foregone conclusion. As long as Pep Guardiola doesn’t try to get too clever with his tactics, or Bayern Munich doesn’t suffer some catastrophic injury crisis, the Bavarian giants should be considered favorites to win the Champions League as well.
Not only is Arturo Vidal—possibly the best box-to-box midfielder on the planet—coming off the bench for this team, but Arjen Robben and Franck Ribéry are close to returning from injury. Sweet mother of god. Bayern Munich might be too good for club soccer all together. Bayern should be allowed to enter the European Championship and the Olympics next summer, just for the hell of it.
Further evidence that the Premier League is a pile of rubbish
Crystal Palace and Leicester City currently sit in fourth and fifth place in the league, respectively, and both are within just three points of leader Manchester City. This early in the season, little stock should be put into league standings (except for Chelsea, which is definitely getting relegated). That said, the lack of quality displayed by the supposedly top sides in the premiership should be a concern.
Chelsea, the reigning champion, is in utter shambles. Mourinho has lost the plot, and you would struggle to name a single player that is currently in any kind of form.
Manchester United had briefly fooled the public into thinking that it was a good team again, before promptly capitulating at the Emirates. United could still win the league at the end, but this is not a team to be taken too seriously. The Reds started the second half away at a rival by fielding only one actual defender in the back line, sending on Marouane Fellaini and Antonio Valencia to change the game, and, worst of all, still playing Wayne Rooney.
Arsenal, as covered above, is built strictly for third place, and will find a way to finish there, no matter how crap the other challengers are.
Manchester City was supposed to be the best of a decidedly mediocre bunch, but that was before it managed to get destroyed by Tottenham less than two weeks ago. Tottenham, as we all know, is not a real thing, and according to official premier league regulations, any team that allows itself to be beaten comprehensively by Spurs is immediately disqualified from winning the league.
Leicester and Palace may not end the season in the top five, but they are closer in quality to the sides that will likely finish there than those sides are to the cream of European soccer.
It’s either time to rejoice due to actual competition in England’s top league, or just burn everything to the ground.