BREAKING: At some point during your life, you became a disappointment, both to yourself, and to your parents. In other news, things are still happening in soccer. Given that it can be difficult to both keep up with these things, and also bear the crushing weight of your relentless failure, the Hump Day Dumpster Dive is here to do the former for you.
Brendan Rodgers Has a Spectacular Lack of Self-Awareness, Part 174
“I am the same guy who nearly won us the league, but better.”
Brendan Rodgers is amazing. This barely believable quote was delivered after Rodgers’ Liverpool managed to sneak by an Aston Villa side made up of players you’ve never heard of, and coached by a figment of the media’s imagination. Not only is his delusion astounding (has he even watched his own team play this season?), but he’s boasting about nearly winning the league. Avram Grant nearly won the league too, son.
“I think I have shown in the early stages of my management—without being arrogant—that with a talented group of players I can compete at the top end of the league. I know how to manage top players. If you give me the tools, I’ll do the work.”
That’s Brendan again, essentially saying that he’s such a brilliant manager that he allowed Luis Suárez to drag his team to second place. This piece of barefaced claptrap also implies that his current set of “tools”—i.e., the squad that he largely recruited himself—is not good enough.
Brendan Rodgers: Exceptional at self-aggrandizement, less good at man-management.
Rodgers’ charlatanism is utterly transparent now, and it’s surely only a matter of time before Liverpool’s owners send him back to his home on Fraud Island.
Barcelona Players and Tax Compliance Go Together Like Barcelona Players and Regular Blood Oxygen Levels*
*Allegedly. Within the space of few days, two stars at Barcelona have gotten into hot water over unpaid taxes. First, noted haircut model Neymar had $47 million in assets seized by the Brazilian government for apparently evading an eight-figure tax bill between 2011 and 2013. Just a couple of days later, Javier Mascherano was charged with tax fraud by the Spanish government, which alleges that the midfielder-cum-defender-cum-tax-dodger owes them about $1.7 million. At what point does Barcelona just do the obvious thing and get a sponsorship deal from the tourist board of the Cayman Islands?
Disclaimer: If at this point, you find yourself sympathizing with Neymar and Mascherano (and Lionel Messi, who is in a bit of tax fraud bother as well), have a word with yourself. Millionaires who dodge taxes to avoid contributing their fair share to society are the worst people on earth, and they should all be shot into space.
Just Let Wenger and Mourinho Fight and Get It Over With
Arsène Wenger and José Mourinho got petty again. Before last weekend’s matches, Wenger took an unnecessary dig at Mourinho by claiming that the Portuguese owed the success of his first team at Chelsea to the work of Claudio Rainieri. Then Mourinho—currently holding the title of World’s Sourest Human—hit back by saying that while every other manager in the country is under pressure to win, Wenger “can cry, moan, not achieve, and still be king.” Both Arsenal and Chelsea fans should be ashamed of their teams’ managers. And not just because Wenger has turned Arsenal into a spineless perennial also-ran, or because Mourinho has become a curmudgeonly, offensive douche. Bickering back and forth in the media is unbecoming of two grown men, particularly when both should be more worried about actually getting their teams to win a game or two.
The obvious solution is to just lock them in a room and let them fight. Let them have a few minutes of no-holds-barred backroom brawling to release all those years of built-up resentment and possible sexual tension. For the record, if this fight were to ever take place, Wenger would beat the living daylights out of Mourinho.
People Will Pay Money To See A Movie About A Man Who Is Already on TV Twice a Week
Universal Studios is releasing a documentary about Cristiano Ronaldo, ingeniously titled Ronaldo. What in the blithering fuck is this? He isn’t dead, or even retired. Getting an in-depth look at one of the greatest athletes to ever live while he’s still near his prime is interesting on some level. But in a big-budget cinematic release? Obviously, this is the next natural step in the insane world of soccer, where men who kick a ball for a living release autobiographies at 22 years old. And if morons are already spending actual money to read a few hundred pages of “I trained hard. Had many a cheeky Nando’s. Went to Dubai on holiday,” then why wouldn’t a movie make sense as well?
Wayne Rooney has a documentary coming out too, following his achievement of becoming England’s record goalscorer. Fittingly, the line that has gotten the most press is from Ronaldo. SPOILER ALERT: He says he would love to play with Rooney again someday. Poor Rooney is still getting shown up by Ronaldo, even in his own documentary.