Bought-and-paid-for club anthems are universally trash. I haven’t spent much time thinking about Reading FC since tha gawd Bobby Convey was carrying them on his back in gloriously American fashion from 2004 to 2009, but today, Reading has unleashed something so foul upon the internet that I sincerely hope they are relegated from whatever non-Premier League division of the English soccer pyramid they happen to be playing in this season (it’s the Championship, but who cares?). This new club anthem is a hate crime, and FIFA—if it isn’t too busy with the bribery and whatnot—should step in and do something about it.
Let’s start with the first and most obvious problem: I can’t identify the lady singing this song. She seems nice and all, but I am so distracted by the shininess of her pants fabric that I can barely pay attention to anything else in the video.
This probably well-meaning young lady was sent out to film a video for an inspirational soccer song wearing pants made of the solar panels of a discarded Russian satellite. That’s not fair to her. How is she supposed to get her message of club unity and support for the royal family, or whatever this song is about, across to people if no one can stop starring at her shiny pants.
Who is this child? Where are his parents? Isn’t forcing your kid to be a Reading fan a crime worthy of being reported to child services? Is it wrong to assume, because he got this level of locker room access, that this boy has a terminal illness? If he does, Reading owes him an apology for having his image in this video for all eternity. He probably deserves better. I don’t know him, but I’d prefer to think that possibly sick children aren’t evil.
How many members of this strategically chosen, aesthetically and ethnically diverse group of people do you think have ever been to Madejski Stadium to see Reading play? I hope they’re all members of a very strong actors’ union and got a full day’s pay for this. Their families are probably going to see this and they’ll have to explain why they dropped out of college “to act.” No one needs that kind of pressure with an empty bank account. As a person with a fake job, I can relate.
Yeah, we are! #ShinyPants