D.C. United wants to take you on a Tinder date

I’m willing to bet any amount of money that your decision to click on this article was not preceded by someone you love saying to you, “Hey, babe, come check this story out.” Why? Because you’re single. Why are you single? Because you watch too much soccer.

Soccer—particularly Major League Soccer, which schedules games on Friday and Saturday nights, when you should be out doing irresponsible things with other irresponsible people—is slowly ruining your sex love life. Soccer owes you romantic reparations in exchange for all the valuable time you’ve dedicated to “growing the game” and making people like Bob Kraft rich.

It looks like one MLS team recognizes its responsibility to the community and has decided to help ease you off of your couch and into someone else’s bed. This Friday night (October 2), D.C. United is celebrating Tinder Swipe Right Night at the always romantic RFK Stadium.

Themed promotional nights hosted by sports teams are usually awful. That’s where you pick up a free t-shirt that doesn’t fit or grab a bobblehead of the sixth-best player on the roster. But not in nation’s capital! Tinder Swipe Right Night is your chance to make an eternal connection based on love, mutual respect, and a deep devotion to the lie that Ben Olsen is a good coach. Or a temporary connection, based on your “needs” and the offerings at the open bar from 5:00 – 6:30 before kickoff. Your choice.

D.C. United is offering amorous fans a wide variety of ways to focus on being chosen in time for cuffing season, while completely ignoring whatever the players are doing on the field. If you go to Tinder (don’t even lie like you aren’t on it) and swipe right on D.C. United, you’ll get a code for a $20 game ticket and access to the Tinder District at RFK Stadium, which includes

  • Open Bar from 5:00 – 6:30 PM
  • Live performance by 90s/2000s coverband, Mr. Blonde
  • Happy Hour games including Giant Jenga, Giant Beer Pong and Cornhole
  • Local food truck, Doug the Food Dude
  • Match of the Match photobooth and contest
  • Great fieldside view for the match

Hell yeah! Free booze, some sliders, and a cover band paying old Green Day jams is definitely enough to hide your extensive list of personality flaws and get you romanced. And don’t sleep on giant Jenga, it’s a more intimate experience than you may realize. You can learn a lot about a person’s ambitions and personality as they attempt to stack big-ass blocks of wood with a buzz going.

Whoever developed this idea should be given a promotion, possibly to the top of U.S. Soccer after Sunil Gulati decides the FIFA kitchen is getting a little too hot and he needs a new profession. Regardless, if you want someone in your metaphorical kitchen for a change, hit up D.C. United’s Tinder Swipe Right Night, wear your sexiest, slim-fitting Taylor Kemp jersey, and pray that Eddie Johnson doesn’t show up and steal your spotlight.