The magical, new Cristiano Ronaldo movie trailer, reviewed

Chances are, if you even kind of like soccer, you have an opinion on Portugal and Real Madrid underwear enthusiast Cristiano Ronaldo. Come November 9, chances are you’ll have more opinions, because that’s the date when Ronaldo, the movie produced by Universal Studios, will be dropping in theaters worldwide.

According to those responsible for Ronaldo‘s marketing and public relations, the film was shot over the course of 14 months and provides a “vividly candid and un-paralleled, behind-closed-doors access to the footballer, father, family-man and friend.” Translation: if you see this movie, you will likely have emotions about Cristiano, even if you spend several hours a week sending YouTube clips of Messi to your friends as evidence of Cristiano’s inferiority.

Have I seen the movie yet? No. But I watched the trailer several times, which means I’m as qualified as anyone to pass judgment on said film’s quality.

Basically, this film is going to win an Oscar for “Best Film by a Ballon d’Or Candidate,” unless Messi makes and releases a movie in the near future. Others, like The Times, agree with my assessment:

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The Times isn’t the only reputable publisher to heap praise on Ronaldo’s gift to mankind.

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Men’s Fitness, the world’s most efficient movie critic, seemingly couldn’t get enough. I feel you, Men’s Fitness. I feel you.

But maybe you need a few more words. Here’s why the movie is excellent:

1. Cristiano drinks wine

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It’s isn’t just the wine. It’s that Cristiano drinks wine while wearing a fancy pinky ring and sporting perfectly manicured eyebrows. You see, the Real Madrid star needs you to know that, when push comes to shove, he’s about the maniacal pursuit of excellence. And excellence is found in the details. But other than that, he’s just like you, except you drink wine out of boxes and have never taken your shirt off in front of millions of people. And your eyebrows are bullshit.

2. Family humanizes fancy people

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Perhaps the most adorable thing about Cristiano is the relationship he has with the son, Cristiano Ronaldo Jr.; that is, if you block out the rumors that he reportedly won’t tell Junior the identity of his mother—who’s probably not mentioned in the film because the story is NSFW—until his 18th birthday.

Intimate moments between the two Cristianos are shared, which corroborates the marketing and public relations team’s characterization of the film. Remember: “un-paralleled, behind-closed-doors access to the footballer, father, family-man and friend.”

I’m not going to lie. I always find videos of Big Cristiano and Little Cristiano to be the cutest. And it’s no less cute just because Cristiano is a fancy person with well-manicured eyebrows. Don’t be surprised when you find yourself seal-clapping and slandering Messi as the Big Ronaldo hugs his son. Movies that give you surprise feels are automatically dope, except for The Act of Killing.

3. Good by association

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Senna is supposed to be excellent. I’ve never seen it, but the people on the street say it’s fantastic. I imagine it’s either about a race car driver or Marcos Senna. I’ve never heard of Amy, but we can assume that the award the “team” won wasn’t for “Worst Movie Ever,” so Amy must be a work of art. Therefore, this #BrandCristiano film—which, coincidentally, also has a one-word title—is also going to be excellent and, as I said before, probably award-winning.

But enough of my observations, have yourself a look at the Ronaldo trailer. Or better yet, you should go wait in line. Now. Get in on the ground floor before the everyone finds out about Ronaldo’s humanity. Come November 10, it’ll be too late. The entire world is going to know about him.

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