What Premier League clubs need before the end of the transfer window

With the last full week ahead of us before the transfer window “slams” “shut” let’s take a look at how the first three “weekends” “have” “altered” “thoughts” “on” “what” “each” “team” “needs.”

Manchester City

Melbourne City v Manchester CityBradley Kanaris/Getty Images

Manchester City swats aside Everton is a remarkable display of competence across the pitch, and no little flair from Yaya Toure and Samir Nasri to lob Tim Howard.

Then!

We all know that Manuel Pellegrini will be replaced by Pep Guardiola at the end of the season, so you can see why City has acted in such a way in the transfer window. Raheem Sterling might have cost $79 million, but City is desperate for homegrown players and can’t risk him joining another side elsewhere. He’s got huge potential, but he’s been joined by Fabian Delph, a man presumably bought for his passport and release clause of just $12.5 million. The players looked like they’d had enough of Pellegrini’s dull football, and it’s hard to see how these two players will be enough to reinvigorate an entire squad.

Now!

Pellegrini has pulled off a remarkable turnaround. The players look back in his thrall, solid at the back but buzzing in attack. David Silva and Raheem Sterling are already an exciting combination on the left, and Bacary Sagna and Jesus Navas offer a much more reliable right wing than when Pablo Zabaleta was there last year. With Eliaquim Mangala far more settled this season, the addition of Nicolas Otamendi to the central defensive options has given Manchester City the best squad in the league. Suddenly the new contract for Pellegrini seems like a sensible option. Add Kevin De Bruyne, and City will consider itself the new favourite for the title.

Chelsea

Club Atletico de Madrid v Chelsea - UEFA Champions League Semi FinalMike Hewitt/Getty Images

Chelsea squeezes past West Brom in a show of defiance as age threatens John Terry’s future.

Then!

The best side in the league, last year’s champion and with the best side in the Premier League, Chelsea should be OK with minor tinkering to the squad. Jose Mourinho looks settled as manager and could be there to the build a legacy at the club he initially seemed set to do in his first tenure at Stamford Bridge!

Now!

Disaster. Doctors are being punted from the team bench and there are hints of a strain behind the scenes. Mourinho has decided to take any potential aggravation he can see lying around and started slapping people in the mush with it. And the squad looks in need of major investment. Asmir Begovic seems a perfectly sensible deputy to Thibaut Courtois, and Pedro has shown just why Manchester United wanted to buy him. But Radamel Falcao is playing like a bad luck charm. Just as he stunk the place out at Old Trafford, so his toxic curse is spreading at Chelsea.

John Terry, once invincible, now appears to have pissed off every god in existence and has started aging before our eyes. Previously it was just his face that looked 56-years-old; now the rest of his body does too. Trundling along in pursuit of Salomon Rondon yesterday, his red card for a professional foul added to the hilarious schadenfreude of seeing him given his pension lump sum release forms while he sat on the bench against Manchester City. Chelsea desperately needs central defensive back up, and a replacement for Branislav Ivanovic, who has definitely gone from finest right back in England to the biggest waste of time in world soccer.

Is Cesc Fabregas dead and nobody has noticed?

Manchester United

Sunderland v Manchester United - Premier LeagueMichael Regan/Getty Images

Manchester United struggles against the North East’s finest touring zoo.

Then!

Ed Woodward is such an alpha male that a full 90% of his body is made up of meaty, throbbing wang, and it is even more of a miracle that he has achieved such a run of massive transfer success for him, given he needs a forklift truck to carry around his oversized genitals to negotiations as he limps, desperately but proudly attached, alongside them, as small objects are pulled into his bollocks’ gravitational pull.

Bastian Schweinsteiger, World Cup winner—check. Morgan Schneiderlin, the best defensive midfielder outside the top four in the Premier League—check. Memphis Depay, the most exciting young talent in European soccer—check. Matteo Darmian, Italian defender and therefore good—check.

Now!

Ed Woodward is such a clown that people refuse to look at his top pocket for fear that a flower will squirt water in their faces, and when he gets out of a taxi, people peer inside expecting 17 more people to somehow emerge. He might have signed four players who were needed, but there are at least three, probably four essential signings that must be made to transform United into a potential title winner: a central defender, a goalkeeper, a right winger, and a striker. Wayne Rooney’s descent into little more than the reconstituted chicken blasted into form to be part of chicken nuggets has made failure to replace him utterly unforgivable.

To praise Woodward for anything so far is to praise a man for not crashing his Google-driven car on an entirely empty road. Dooooooooooooooooooooom.

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