There are very few things that we, the staff of Soccer Gods, agree on as a content-creating conglomerate. But there’s one place where we unanimously find consensus: Karim Benzema is the best player in the world.
When we use the qualifier “best,” what we mean is “clearest example of the way we would behave if we had stupid amounts of money and free time.”
Benzema is a generous man, a gift to mankind
From valuable tips on physical fitness, reviews on the latest trends in fashion, and sound advice on how to best economize limited space on a private jet, there’s nothing we can’t learn from Karim Benzema. He’s a gift to the world, a beacon of righteousness and model of how to live life as a world-class #lifestyle #brand.
Just look at the advancements he’s made in the difficult field of child care.
But, as with most selfless leaders and beacons of inspirational light (Gandhi, Kenny Loggins, Mario Balotelli), the unfortunate truth is that Karim Benzema gives and gives and gives to society, but doesn’t seem to get anything in return. Where are the Ballon d’Or votes? Where’s the nomination to be FIFA’s next president? More importantly, where’s the love?
Every glorious summer day, tabloids across the world fill their pages or content management systems with stories of star players out and about on boats, wearing ugly shorts, and drinking free champagne while huddled up in compromising positions with their temporary significant others. Why aren’t those stories ever about Benzema? Considering all he’s done for the game (and soccer), he deserves to walk a few red carpets and frolic with someone famous.
But if you’ve been following the important transfer news of the season, you know that romantic justice is a possibility for Benzema. According to what are probably really reliable sources, Benzema has been nurturing a budding romance with pop singer / goddess / the greatest hope for humanity’s future, Rihanna.
Benzema’s been loving behind our backs
And then the bombshell dropped.
Today, in a series of salacious social media posts, it became crystal clear that our favorite Instagrammer does indeed have a special someone to strike high school poses with while holding glasses of rosé. Shockingly, it isn’t Rihanna. Well, it may be Rihanna, but RiRi definitely isn’t in pole position for Benzema’s heart. That spot belongs to Belgium international Alex Witsel’s ex-girlfriend, Miami native Analicia Chaves. Apparently.
Chaves, it seems, wasn’t too pleased with her ex-boo for some reason.
Ouch. Extra salty bonus points to Chaves for using an image of Rihanna herself and making this an infinite loop of shade.
Before we go any deeper down this rabbit hole, we need to provide a little background context on the lovely Ms. Chaves.
In many ways, she is a a fan of the beautiful game. Chaves has been rumored to have been close with new Manchester United signing and Holland international Memphis Depay and former Liverpool man Raheem Sterling.
Now that you’re current with the origin stories of all the heroes in this drama, let’s fast forward to this afternoon.
Chaves spent a few hours today spreading a little love to her new man on the Instagrams, not in one or two posts, but in 26 Instagram posts … in three hours. TWENTY-SIX of them mamma jammas. She had more posts about Karim Benzema in three hours than you have about tacos and puppies on all of your social media accounts, combined.
Scanning her posts, what you soon begin to notice is that, unless the pair changed outfits several times during the three-hour window and had an assistant working the green screen, these Chavenzema pictures were definitely not taken in one day.
Oh no. This is horrifying. And amazing. This love has been forever.
And it just keeps going and going and going …
And then Chaves started posting video. These were initially on her Instagram account before she set it to private, hours after posting:
OK, definitely not just friends. And just in case you were on the fence, Chaves also posted this on Instagram:
This video has all the trademarks of a Benzema film project. 2Pac’s “Hit ‘Em Up” (the most notorious “I stole your girl” song in hip-hop history) is on. The music and grimy cinematography ooze drama, and Benzema’s definitely in it. Clearly, Benzema and his new boo are firing shots here, but at who?
Chaves has already proven to be cold-blooded, just like Benzema in the box. What a perfect match, right? Rick Ross’ “Neighborhood Drug Dealer” even features in one of the ‘Gram videos, a song usually reserved for one of Benzema’s carefully crafted Instagram movies.
What did her ex do to deserve this? Was it Zenit St. Petersburg midfielder Witsel, who left Chaves back in 2013 to go back with his ex-girlfriend, after telling the world Chaves was moving to Russia to be with him? Was it someone else? Was she just really not feeling Memphis Depay’s raps anymore? Whoever it was, it seemed as if the posts were never going to end.
To be fair, the “K” could stand for several things aside from Karim, but judging from the theme of her ‘Grams: “Who is Karim Benzema, Alex.”
“Phew. What a day.” That’s probably what you’re thinking. But it’s really just another day in the life of Karim. Sorry, Karim and Analicia. Apologies, Analicia. Remind us to never get on Analicia’s bad side. This is how she closed her Instagram session today:
Good lord that’s ruthless.
But no matter how much Analicia “Ana Montana” Chaves appears to be about that life, we hope she remembers that a possible threat is always lurking nearby. Never forget, Rihanna always gets what she wants, and if she decides that she’s coming to claim Karim Benzema, there’s probably very little Chaves can do about it.
Happy Benzema Day!