Raheem Sterling combines transfer rumors and “hippy crack” for the perfect British tabloid storm

FIFA shenanigans aside, it’s a quiet time for the British tabloids. After all, what else is there worth devoting endless pages of comment and analysis to? The Women’s World Cup? Hahahahahaha.

In these dull early summer weeks, two dominant stories have emerged. 1.) Soccer players going on vacation and having fun, which is of course not allowed, because Jack Grealish lying down on a street in the Canary Islands is an indicator of moral weakness that will ultimately cause Aston Villa to be relegated in 11 months, and 2.) Raheem Sterling’s will-he-won’t-he-does-anyone-who-is-not-a-journalist-or-his-agent-really-care-any-more transfer saga. Helpfully, this is dragging on well into the close season. If we’re really lucky it won’t be resolved until mid-August, at the earliest.

Imagine the joy that must have been felt in newsrooms across England, then, as a story broke that combines these two salient obsessions: the wantaway Liverpool starlet pictured allegedly inhaling nitrous oxide while vacationing on the Spanish party island of Ibiza.

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Sterling (transfer bid) + hippy crack on holiday = SPORTS NEWS ORGASM.

Fermat himself would have been proud with that theorem.

Or, as The Sun said on its front page today: “As Man City bid for Kop star.. Ace Sterling in new hippy crack storm. 50 million pounds? You’re havin’ a laughing gas.”