Brazil’s head of women’s soccer thinks make-up and shorter shorts are keys to the game’s growth

Marco Aurelio Cunha, the women’s coordinator for the Confederation of Brazilian Football (CBF), thinks that the women’s game is finally doing the things necessary to position itself for future growth.

“Now the women are getting more beautiful, putting on make-up. They go in the field in an elegant manner,” Cunha recently said in an interview from Montreal, as reported by The Globe and Mail’s Stephanie Nolen. “Women’s football used to copy men’s football. Even the jersey model, it was more masculine. We used to dress the girls as boys. So the team lacked a spirit of elegance, femininity. Now the shorts are a bit shorter, the hair styles are more done up. It’s not a woman dressed as a man.”

Funny. All this time I thought the women’s game was struggling due to a lack of investment, insufficient resources, prehistoric attitudes and dudes like Aurelio Cunha trying to solve lady problems. Turns out all that was missing was a little rouge, some generously applied eyeliner, summer dresses, flowers, wedges, passivity, floral arrangements, things that smell good, elegant hats, heels and other elegant things that clearly define femininity. Sepp Blatter must be like, “Bro, I told you this years ago.”

Thankfully, Cunha is the CBF’s women’s soccer coordinator. But it’s a shame that such forward-thinking can’t be shared with men. I mean, imagine if Cunha could bless the men’s game with his management consulting-like problem-solving skills. Most leagues in the world could benefit from such progressive thought. Major League Soccer (MLS), for instance, a North American men’s league with sights set on becoming one of the world’s best leagues by 2022, might be able to accelerate its development by finding ways to make the league more masculine. The league could, for instance, require players to come onto the field shirtless, riding horses, of course. Bareback, obviously. Players could repair car engines during halftime, or even do plumbing work in stadium bathrooms. Plumbing is real dude shit. Growing beards, hunting or foraging, wearing suits with pocket squares. They could do push-ups. The possibilities are endless, really. Yet MLS, at present, seems to be content with just playing soccer and adding random drafts.

MLS needs a Marco Aurelio Cunha. Hell, the world needs more problems solvers like him if we want to survive global warming and zombies.

If you’re interested in reading about the more systemic issues plaguing the Brazilian women’s game (although the challenges aren’t uniquely Brazilian), head over to The Globe and Mail and read Nolen’s entire article. It’s worth your time. In the meantime, I’ll be outside in a suit, fixing my transmission.