Cristiano Ronaldo’s former love, Irina Shayk, did not have sexual relations with Sepp Blatter

I want you to listen to me; I want to say this again: Irina Shayak, current supermodel and former ex-girlfriend of Real Madrid’s Cristiano Ronaldo, totally did not have sexual relations with that man … Sepp Blatter.

Representatives of Shayak have emphatically denied that their client ever had sexy time with the old man widely perceived to be the most evil person on the planet. Since Rupert Murdoch, anyway.

Are things completely out of hand yet? No? Almost?

We’re at a point where no rumor is too crazy to discard. If someone told me that Sepp Blatter was actually Michael Jackson, I’d weigh the pros and cons. I might even consider a “Blatter is Tito Jackson” rumor.

The Blatter-Shayak rumors came from an article on the women in Blatter’s life, originally published by Spanish newspaper El Mundo. And we should all be thankful, because if corruption is to be rooted out of soccer governance, once and for all, the people must know all of 835-year-old Blatter’s dress-up partners and safe words.

Rosalia Sanchez, the author of the El Mundo article, claims that the Shayak information was passed onto her by a Swiss source while she was researching her piece on Blatter’s women friends.

It sounds crazy, I know. But Blatter has somehow convinced everyone to make him president of world soccer — five times. Maybe the man has some serious Pierce Brosnan old man game. Is that a crazier thought than Blatter controlling all of the soccer for decades?

According to Blatter biographer Bruno Affentranger, “[Blatter’s] success with women has to do with the fact that he’s a charming guy; he knows how to approach women and knows how to calculate.” Sounds a lot like how he got votes from FIFA members. Maybe we shouldn’t underestimate Blatter’s ability to be attractive, even though he probably smells like aged Old Spice deodorant and Listerine. Old people got game, too.

But all of this speculation is probably irrelevant, because Shayak’s representatives have called shenanigans. I just wanted you to know that the streets are talking.

Have a blessed day.