Jack Warner out-crazies FIFA’s other nonsense with a “fear for my life” video

Every day brings another drastic change to the FIFA landscape. Last week’s initial round of indictments told the world that FFIA’s era of unchecked corruption was over. President Sepp Blatter’s reelection days later was a splash of cold water, waking us up from the momentary dreamland of soccer’s governing body moving forward as some utopian ideal of fairness. Blatter’s quasi-resignation on Tuesday — he stated an intent to resign, but has yet to officially announce a date when he’ll step down, and we’ve heard him lie about his desire to remain president before — was the ultimate shake up of the already murky FIFA waters. Now the only sure answer we have about the organization’s future is “We don’t know.”

This week has taken a turn for the dramatic, as it has brought us a detailed account of exactly what former FIFA and CONCACAF executive-turned-informant Chuck Blazer confessed to American law enforcement. We also know that Blazer’s testimony, the cornerstone of the United States government’s case against FIFA, has become increasingly hard to come by, as Blazer’s heath is rapidly deteriorating – to the point that some fear he may not be alive long enough for his co-conspirators to stand trial.

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Just in case “millionaire snitch on his deathbed” didn’t satisfy you real-life courtroom drama needs, Interpol issued an actual “red notice” wanted poster for Jack Warner, Nicolas Leoz, Alejandro Burzaco, Hugo Jinkis, Mariano Jinkis and Jose Margulies, a colorful bouquet of (suspected) thieving soccer power brokers.

It’s no coincidence that former CONCACAF executive Jack Warner’s name appears first on that list. It seems that every time even the most imaginative person thinks this FIFA drama can’t realistically get any stranger, it’s Warner’s turn to pop his head back in to the news and offer that special brand of ridiculousness that only he can provide.

Last time we saw Warner, he was playing the part of the meek, small-nation victim and using an article from a parody newspaper to support his claims of innocence. Last night, he changed course and delivered a message that, because “[he] reasonably and surely fear[s] for [his] life”, he is ready to sing to the feds like his old buddy Chuck Blazer.

That’s right, you scoundrels. The gloves are off!

Jack fired up the Warner TV cameras and let it all out. In a message to his Facebook friends, he claims to have “compiled a comprehensive and detailed series of documents, including corroborated statements” that prove “a link between FIFA, its funding and me”. This is the closest thing we’ve ever heard from Warner to a confession or even basic acknowledgement that he or anyone at FIFA was involved in shady activity.

Warner also claims that his information connects Sepp Blatter and others at FIFA to attempts to rig a 2010 election in Trinidad and Tobago, where Warner is still politically active and heads his own Independent Liberal Party. Why would Blatter care who was in charge in Trinidad and Tobago? We don’t know, and Warner didn’t do a great job of explaining that, or much of anything else in this video.

“I will no longer keep secrets for them who now seek to destroy the country which I love.”

“The die is cast. There can be no turning back. Let the chips fall where they fall.”

Supposedly, Warner has delivered the damning evidence to his lawyers and other “respected hands,” because he wants to be certain that it is released, should something happen to him. Because “not even death will stop the avalanche that is coming”.

At that moment, Jon Snow appeared behind Warner and offered him a piece of dragon glass to fend off the pending attacks from white walkers. OK, that didn’t happen, but it should have.

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