Six highlights from the time Chuck Blazer secretly pled guilty to 10 felonies in 2013

You remember Chuck Blazer (government name: Charles Gordon Blazer), the large, cuddly, teddy bear man who kept a Trump Towers apartment for his cats and siphoned boatloads of cash, in his capacity as a FIFA and CONCACAF executive, from various shady deals brokered over decades? Well, the legal gods have just blessed us with an unsealed transcript from Blazer’s plea hearing, revealing exactly what the man has plead guilty to, as well as a few other fun details.

Here are six highlights from Blazer’s Nov. 2013 day in court:

1. The judge — the Honorable Raymond J. Dearie, a U.S. District Court Judge from the Eastern District of New York (Brooklyn) – doesn’t know how to pronounce FIFA.

Screen Shot 2015-06-03 at 3.54.02 PM

It’s good to see the investigation continuing to teach Americans about soccer. Judge Dearie got some good soccer learnin’ in that day.

2. When defining “conspiracy,” Blazer omits an important word:

Screen Shot 2015-06-03 at 3.57.16 PM

Under Blazer’s definition of a conspiracy, making dinner with someone is a conspiracy. It’s a good thing the judge reminded him that criminal conspiracies involve crimes.

3. Finally, we see the Cat Whisperer, in his own words (drafted by attorneys), admitting guilt. Here’s Count One, the racketeering conspiracy charge:

Screen Shot 2015-06-03 at 4.12.04 PM

4. More Cat Whisperer admissions. Count Two, wire fraud conspiracy:

Screen Shot 2015-06-03 at 4.13.58 PM

5. Charles Gordon Blazer has overseas accounts, and we just wanted to state that for the record:

Screen Shot 2015-06-03 at 4.22.33 PM

6. The government and Blazer’s attorneys jointly recommended that Blazer’s bond be set at $10 million:

Screen Shot 2015-06-03 at 4.25.06 PM

Judge Dearie found no objection to the recommendation. It’s worth noting, however, that an unsecured bond means that Blatter is free to walk the streets and doesn’t have to put up any collateral. But if he decides he doesn’t feel like showing up for court-related activities, then he’s going to have to try to find a few more hidden bank accounts.

Feel free to read through the entire 40-page legal treat here. And, yeah, redactions are the worst.