This may sound incredibly cold and insensitive, but hear me out*. If you can momentarily forget that the crown jewel of the FIFA corruption empire — awarding the 2022 World Cup to Qatar — will result in the deaths of thousands upon thousands of misled migrant workers-turned-slaves, there’s actually some great laughs to be had at the expense of these unrepentant rich assholes.
For instance, everything that’s come out of FIFA president Sepp Blatter’s mouth in the past week has been hysterical. Friday’s FIFA congress was some of the greatest comedic cinéma vérité ever committed to film, and no tour has produced as many genuine laughs as former FIFA vice president and CONCACAF president Jack Warner‘s press conferences since Eddie Murphy filmed Raw.
As soul-punchingly great as this has all been, we’ve hit a new high note today. Jack Warner went on his personal Facebook video blog, Warner TV (duh) and delivered a message of gratitude and hope to his supporters. Jack Warner has supporters. Let that thought marinate for a minute.
Whether it’s an uncanny level of self-denial, or devout commitment to a damn good dramatic role, Jack Warner’s ability to cry innocence — moreover, to claim he is a victim in all this — is bewildering.
Back to the funny, though. If you weren’t paying super close attention, you will have missed the highlight of this video. At the 5:00 mark, while weeping that the American media is deliberately trying to smear his name and reputation because the United States wasn’t awarded the World Cup, Warner cites and holds up a copy of an article titled FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States. The thing is, that article was published by satirical news site, The Onion.
Someone must have hipped Warner to his editorial goof, because the video has been taken down from his page, but as we’ve all learned at some point or another, the internet is forever. May unlimited blessings be bestowed upon The Onion and whoever grabbed this video for YouTube.
* Nothing good has ever followed the phrase “but hear me out.” I acknowledge that I have not offered any exception to this rule here.