Are you in the intersection between soccer fan and nerd? Did you just lie and say that you aren’t? Don’t worry about it. According to science, that overlap is at about 73 percent. You have company. More on that later.
Today is a good day for those who enjoy the beautiful game and video games. Or, for those of us who are so ridiculously soccer about our lives that we own $350 consoles, just to play one game: FIFA. After you bask in the Women’s World Cup vibes this summer, you will be able to recreate your favorite memories, as FIFA 16 (out Sept. 25) will include 12 women’s national teams. There is no truth to the original rumor that it will be 11 versions of the U.S. women and France.
This is huge, because it means you can now piss of your friends with the terribly annoying and cheating ways that you play FIFA, but now with women! This fall, when your best friend chucks a controller at your head, it doesn’t have to be because you keep mashing the trick stick with Messi. Think of all the new ways you’ll have to ruin your core relationships.
- Shoot from 30 yards every time you have the ball with Megan Rapinoe, because you know she would want it that way.
- Play constant long-balls to Abby Wambach because you’re “a little bit scared” to play a “little 5 yard ball.”
- Pick Laure Boulleau, win, and say it’s because you’re on performance-enhancing drugs.
- Score goals with Alex Morgan and pretend you don’t know who she is, because you want to run FIFA some day.
- Pick Marta every single time, because you have no shame.
While it’s true that many of us soccer diehards are nerds to some degree — heads full of stats and historical facts — and there is an inherent geekiness that comes with devoting the inordinate amount of time we do to any singular interest, most of us are reasonable and functional human beings. There is, however, a vile subset among us. A group of people who can’t stand change, get deeply offended by matters that barely concern or affect them, and worst of all, really don’t know how to act when women show up to their metaphorical (because they never attend real ones) party. These people shine a bad light on the rest of us nerds and geeks.
They are . . .the dweebs.
As cool as it is to have these women’s national teams added to FIFA 16, the dweebs aren’t feeling it. Even if you don’t think of these additions as some sort of grand social justice advancement, how can you be mad at your favorite game becoming more complete and adding playable characters? Oh, no. Don’t offer that logic to the dweebs. When they saw this announcement from EA Sports this morning, all they thought was, “Eew. Cooties!”
And our winner, who best sums up the mental state of his dweeb brethren: