Sepp Blatter thinks he’s a mountain goat whose mother wants him dead

FIFA president Sepp Blatter’s been likened to a number of things in his long, long career. A mafia boss; a rat; an ice-man; and that was just in the space of one Diego Maradona interview.

Blatter himself thinks he’s “a mountain goat.” Not because he is massively horny, it turns out, but because he “keeps going and going and going, I cannot be stopped, I just keep going.”

This is, of course, quite disrespectful to the alpine ibex, a species that does cool stuff like fearlessly lick minerals on insanely steep gradients. Has Blatter ever scaled a near-vertical dam wall in order to suck in salts? Highly unlikely that he’s even bothered to try.

Another important difference is that mountain goats have a life expectancy of 12-15 years, while Blatter is 79, has been in office since 1988 and is going to get reelected for another four years on Sunday, which will at last give him time to learn who Alex Morgan is.

Other highlight from Blatter’s interview with NZZ: his mother wants him dead. As summarized by the Guardian:

“Blatter, who will be 80 next year, said in the interview that he ‘is a simple, devout man’ and that the first thing he always does when he returns to his home town of Visp, where he was born, is to visit the family grave.

“He said two weeks ago, he ‘connected’ with his deceased mother, who bid him to join her. He said: ‘I’m doing well, it is not time yet.’”