You’ll struggle to find a Newcastle fan who thinks that owner Mike Ashley is good for the club. Week-after-week, year-after-year, fans dust off banners and chants saturated with banter and sadness to let Ashley know just how much they want him to find a new hobby.
But Ashley isn’t bothered by the scenes. In fact, prior to Newcastle’s final match against West Ham, Ashley said, “I shan’t be selling until I do. Not at any price. And when I say ‘win something,’ if we ever get into a position of being in a Champions League place, that also counts as winning something.”
So there you have it. Mike Ashley will be staying at Newcastle forever, because there’s no way in hell he’s leading this club to any kind of trophy, unless it’s during a scavenger hunt.
But relegation? He’s done it before, back in 2008-09 with Newcastle. But could he repeat the feat? Definitely.
A win would’ve ensured Newcastle remained in the Premier League next season. A loss or a draw, coupled with a Hull win, would’ve meant that Newcastle, once again, would be toiling away in the Championship.
Let’s take a quick picture tour of Ashley sitting through his team’s final day.
Ashley: “Can you believe these people think they can protest me out of here? I’m Mike Ashley! I can’t wait to have a pint.”
Ashley: “You see, it’s all about synergy. Now, I don’t quite know what that means, but I’m pretty sure the lads will respond to it. Fancy a pint?”
Ashley: “Shit. I can’t remember exactly. I think this is how you do the sobriety test.”
Ashley: “I know I just said I’d never sell, but what’s the score of the Hull game again?”
Ashley: “Haha. We did it! I knew we’d do it! Mike Ashley will lead this club to big things. Trophies and the like.”
Ashley: “Anita, mate. You have to finish that if you want a future at a big club like Newcastle — a club that’s going places, like the Championship. What’s the Hull score?”
Ashley: “Have I told you about synergy?”
Ashley: “I knew we’d do it, mate. Jonas. What a story, eh? Two years battling cancer, and then he comes back to score the goal that ensures my … I mean our club stays up. Cancer’s a bitch, eh?”
Ashley: “Ah, fuck off, mate.”
Ashley: “Mike Ashley’s the name, boys. I’ll see you next season. Someone get me Pards on the phone. Let’s get him back from Palace. Surely he’s dying to come to a big club next season.”