The personalized candy hearts Louis van Gaal would give to Manchester United players

Manchester United’s master of alchemy and metaphysics, Louis van Gaal, has been on an especially weird, possibly Dutch brandy-infused hot streak, now that the Premier League season is wrapping up.

First, he blessed us with this magnificent rendition of “Louis van Gaal’s Red Army” with a group of autograph-seeking fans. He garbled the single line as if he had never spoken his own name aloud before. It had all the musical intonations of a man whose next stop was a Taco Bell at 4am.

Then, at United’s player of the year award ceremony, the folks in charge waited a little too long to give van Gaal the microphone to make his state of the union address. By the time it was his turn to speak, ol’ Uncle Louis appeared to have already dived into a personal swimming pool full of Heineken. It was truly inspiring.

To conclude what may be the best week of coaching performance art in 2015, van Gaal will close out the Manchester United season by presenting his players with a special gift: bags and bags of candy.

Supposedly, Louis vs. Candy is a bit of a running joke in the Red Devils’ locker room. When he arrived at Old Trafford, one of the first changes van Gaal made was to put very strict dietary guidelines in place for his squad, including a ban on all sugary stuff. Now he’s showing that he isn’t such a hard-ass after all by blessing the team with a few special treats.

Being the investigative news agency that we are, Soccer Gods has reached out to sources in Manchester, and gotten an exclusive glimpse of the specially customized candy that Louis van Gaal will be handing out to his players.


“I never loved u” may sound harsh, but at this point van Gaal has no reason to hold back his feelings. That’s exactly why a three pound bag of chalky heart aggression will be waiting in Ángel Di María’s locker. Sure, Louis could have opted to express these sentiments to Di María in a more professional manner, but screw it, he’s leaving anyway.

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Speaking of the unloved, feelings and egos are sure to be hurt when Radamel Falcao realizes – halfway through finishing his bag – what’s been written on his candy. Buyers remorse is a real thing, and van Gaal understands now that he may have plucked the wrong striker from Monaco.

heart (2)

Louis van Gaal hasn’t gotten this far in his career by being shy with players who may be thinking about leaving his team. David de Gea will think twice before responding to any WhatsApp texts from Real Madrid.

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Certainly not his most graceful candy communication, but van Gaal wants Phil Jones to know that Affirmative Action – or more specifically, the Premier League’s Home Grown Player rule – is the only reason he still has a place on United’s roster.