David Luiz wants you to know he’s no virgin, has definitely made sex before

Sometimes when news breaks, as a reporter, you find yourself stunned, but you understand that it’s your job to get important information out to the public as quickly and responsibly as possible. But stunned is still where we sit this morning after this bombshell: Contrary to earlier reports, Paris Saint-Germain defender David Luiz is not a virgin. Or at least he says he isn’t. Either way, the news that Luiz may have actually had sex has shaken the world from Paris to Rio.

Earlier this week, Luiz posted a photo of his baptism (in teammate Maxwell’s pool) to Instagram. The in-depth coverage of his reaffirmation came with information that the World Cup disaster survivor veteran was also a virgin, one saving himself for his pending marriage.

Now, there’s nothing necessarily wrong with deciding to be either a Christian or an adult virgin (when speaking non-comedically, that is), but there’s something incredibly funny about a 28-year-old man feeling the need to get in front of a camera to tell a world full of strangers that he has, in fact, had sex before.

But do we believe him? Luiz’s eyes seem pretty shifty in this interview. He’s got the nervous gaze of a guy who says to his friends “Dude, I’ve totally done the sex before! I’ve had so many sex! But the girl was from Canada, so you never met her…” Or when they challenge him as to where this mystery lover is now, he says “Oh, she became a nun like a month after. Don’t worry about it.”

It’s OK, David. You don’t have to lie about being a virgin. Fans are more worried about your next on-field implosion than your bedroom explosions. Both are equally gross to think about anyway.