Michel Platini opened his mouth on French radio and a whole bunch of hilarious (and wrong) things came out

Michel Platini is talking again, which means it’s time to laugh. This time his topics are Paul Pogba, France and how soccer would be a better game if it was still the 19th century.

Let’s start at the beginning, from his comments to French radio station RTL.

A big star is a player who scores goals. I don’t know if Paul Pogba is a player who can play like [Lionel] Messi or [Cristiano] Ronaldo. They score 50 goals a season.

Translation: there are two stars in the entire world.

It sucks that both players are going to retire one day and soccer will die a slow death. And should we bring up the fact that Pogba’s goal scoring is pretty much in line with Zinedine Zidane’s? Hell no, we didn’t ask for logic in here.

But damn, Platini is really not on the Pogba bandwagon.

The interesting thing about him at Juve is that whenever he loses the ball and his team concede, his teammates tick him off immediately.

It sounds like Platini, a legendary midfielder in his own right, went to the Pele School Of How To Deal With Being Compared To A Modern Player. They said he’s like me and might be as good as I was? Fuck him.

Platini does think that the French national team will be very good, though, even despite Pogba’s presence.

Didier Deschamps manages to win what he wants so I’m sure he will win a trophy with the French national team.

For those of you keeping track at home, that’s the same Didier Dechamps who won two league titles in 11 years as a club manager. And one of those was Serie B with Juventus, who would have won the league with drunk me as manager. But maybe Dechamps just didn’t want to win the league in those nine other years. And the 2014 World Cup, which Dechamps managed? Yeah, he just didn’t want to win that one either.

Platini was just getting warmed up, though. He saved his hammer for last.

I’m against all forms of technology in football. If we introduce goal-line technology, it would be hard to manage.

Yeah man, goal-line technology can’t be managed. Just look at all those problems they had at the World Cup when they got all those calls right without any fuss. And the Premier League became a mess with all of its correct calls. The referee had to do that thing that ruins all the sports, called “looking at his watch.”

But it’s not just about goal-line technology. It’s about “all forms of technology,” which are all evil. Soccer really needs to get rid of it all. That’s why we’re getting rid of all these things:

– Lights
– Lawn mowers
– Shorts
– Shin guards
– Concussion protocols (oh wait, that technology doesn’t exist in UEFA, yet)
– Television
– Hair dye

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This lesson on how not to think has been brought to you by Michel Platini, UEFA president, and the man who was supposed to bring change to FIFA if he could only get past the evil Sepp Blatter.*

* Platini’s place in bed with Qatar pending.

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