When Pitch Perfect came out, you probably saw the trailers and ads and thought, “wow, what a stinking pile of crap that’s going to be” and for good reason. The trailer was terrible and the slogan for the ads was “get pitch-slapped.” I hate myself for typing that.
But then this crazy thing happened: Pitch Perfect was so good that it shouldn’t have just won an Oscar, they should have renamed the Oscars the Pitch Perfects. It was the pinnacle of cinema, American and human achievement.
This weekend, Pitch Perfect 2 comes out and, frankly, it’s an embarrassment that the entire year of 2015 hasn’t been declared a national holiday. But we, as a people, must persevere. And the soccer world, showing proper respect for all that is noble and good, will do what is necessary — determine which club each Pitch Perfect character resembles.
Luke – Burnley
Theoretically, you could be somewhat interesting. Or meaningful. Or in any way memorable. But instead you exist just to show off your abs that will one day go away.
Danny Ings is nice abs.
Stacie – AC Milan
AC Milan’s hobbies also include cuticle care and the E! Network.
Benji – Tottenham Hotspur
You’re talented! You really are! But here’s the thing — as endearing and lovable as you may be, nobody actually wants you to be part of their club. Maybe it’s the Treblemakers or the Top 4, but you’re not getting in.
And the only impressive up-close magic you know is how to sell players to Real Madrid.
Bumper – Liverpool
What if you were half as good as you thought you were? You’re crystal meth.
Enjoy your sports sandals empire.
Cynthia-Rose – Roma
We all know you could be the star. You’ve got it all. But something always holds you back.
We’re just glad you’ve admitted it.
Chloe – Arsenal
You’re the fourth-best in the group. Sound familiar? And people still love you? Yep.
And of course you’re injured.
Lily – Porto
How are you good? Maybe it’s your beatboxing/scouting? We like to pretend it is.
The truth lies in the dead bodies, that you set fires, when you ate your twin in the womb, and your vomit angels. It fuels you.
Aubrey – Real Madrid
You’re good. You’re really good. You’re a star.
But just when you get great, you start being a non-sensical, dictatorial leader and vomit all over yourself.
Jesse – Barcelona
Let’s just admit it: you’re better at pretty much everything than everyone else. You’re so good that it almost feels fake, like it’s a movie. Then on top of that you’re so amazingly scored that you even have the greatest music to go with your greatness of a movie.
You’re only problem is that you can be too earnest. That and we’re jealous of you. Or we’re jealous of Beca. DAMNIT YOU’RE TOO GOOD FOR HER OR ANYONE.
Fat Amy – Borussia Dortmund
You won the Bundesliga. Twice. And you made the Champions League final. That was almost as impressive as the time you wrestled a crocodile and a dingo simultaneously.
So you’re not going to be the star forever. You will always have a place in our hearts and be the most memorable, no matter how many burritos Bayern Munich throw at you.
Beca – Atletico Madrid
You’re weird. You’re different. You pretend to be scary. You wear all black.
But goddamn do we love you. We didn’t know just how badly we needed you until you entered your lives, and whether you’re hugging your kid after a goal or singing “Don’t You Forget About Me,” you’re too adorable for words. Please sing Blackstreet to me every night for the rest of my life.