Three weeks of Suárez-Evra-Chiellini talk will make you hate the Champions League final

We didn’t want a Clasico final. We wouldn’t have been able to stand the obnoxious hype. Barcelona and Real Madrid, with their fans screaming about who is better, or morally superior? And then the Lionel Messi versus Cristiano Ronaldo debate for the 4,293rd time? Spare us, please.

It wasn’t so much that we couldn’t deal with the final. We couldn’t deal with the run-up to it.

But what do we get instead? Luis Suárez versus one man he racially abused and one man he bit. Oh joy!

So now we get to spend the next several weeks hearing about whether Suárez really did racially abuse Patrice Evra. An FA investigation said he did and he was suspended for it, but was “negro” just a term of endearment? We need to have this conversation again because the first time didn’t do it justice. And does Suárez really have a black friend? Because that’s important.

And let’s not forget that Suárez wasn’t available for the start of this year’s Champions League. He was too busy serving a suspension for biting Giorgio Chiellini in last summer’s World Cup, which sounds bad, but gets a whole lot worse when you remember that he’s now bitten three opponents.

Has Chiellini really forgiven Suarez? And is Suarez just a sick man, or does he have a problem that stems from how he grew up, which he is desperately trying to fix? Don’t spend too much time thinking about it. The entire media world will do it for you 100 times over before the final!

Won’t this be so much more fun than that El Clasico hype that would have made your ears bleed?

We’ll skip the part about how the final will be played at the Olympiastadion in Berlin, a stadium that Hitler built, and how someone will undoubtedly make a terrible comparison to Suarez and Hitler that makes you question the existence of the human race.

Let’s do this!