Real Madrid went into the second leg of its UEFA Champions League semifinal trailing Juventus 2-1. And it was all Gareth Bale’s fault.
Then a 1-1 draw at the Bernabéu saw the champions crash out.
Bale managed to end the defending champions’ repeat bid.
Here, minute-by-minute, is how Gareth Bale doomed Real Madrid and kicked puppies while pissing on rainbows and stealing food from hungry children:
1′: The match is underway and Iker Casillas has officially featured in 150 Champions League matches … but that’s only the second-most ever. Fucking Bale.
5′: Karim Benzema gets a great chance in front, but a defender closes him down and he completely mishits it. The shot misses the net by about 20 yards, which is impressive considering he was only six yards from goal. Fucking Bale.
11′: Toni Kroos. Really, “Toni”?! It’s Tony, bro. Fucking Bale.
19′: Benzema gets free down the left and drags a pass back over the middle, but Cristiano Ronaldo’s run was way too far and he ended up on the goal line. He couldn’t get back to tap in the good cross. Fucking Bale.
20′: Bale hits an absolute rocket from 20 yards that forced a good save from Gianluigi Buffon. Some keepers may not have gotten to that shot. Fucking Bale.
23′: James Rodríguez is run over by Giorgio Chiellini and the referee points to the spot. Ronaldo steps up and buries the kick, but Real Madrid only got one goal for that. Fucking Bale.
26′: There’s a fan in section 112 wearing a black Bale kit. Doesn’t he know that everyone is supposed to wear white? Fucking Bale.
29′: Ronaldo is free down the left off a wonderful counterattack and has only Buffon to beat. It’s a gifted chance, but Ronaldo decides to hit a speculative cross for Benzema at the back post instead. It’s a horrible decision. Fucking Bale.
29′: Upset with himself for making such a stupid play, Ronaldo hits the post. The post did not crumble. Fucking Bale.
30′: Arturo Vidal hits the ground and is hurt. Bale doesn’t bust out a machete to make sure he’s dead. Fucking Bale.
41′: Bale hits an exquisite ball over the top that finds Ronaldo right in stride. It’s a work of art and Ronaldo has a great look at goal. But his shot goes just wide of the post and Ronaldo stares at the goal as if to wonder, “why didn’t the net get bigger for me?” Fucking Bale.
45′: James feels a Juventus defender getting close to him so he goes to ground in hopes of drawing a second penalty. The problem? No one touched him and he looked like an idiot. Fucking Bale.
45′: James was carded for the dive. Fucking Bale.
Halftime: The orange slices aren’t very juicy. Fucking Bale.
Halftime: WRONG CAPRI SUN FLAVORS, ASSHOLES. Fucking Bale.
50′: Paul Pogba tries to hit a cross, but it goes well over everyone and out for a goal kick. Even the best young midfielder in the world can’t hit a decent ball. Fucking Bale.
54′: 100 million euros for Bale? Do you realize how long it would take to count 100 million in cash? And he made them do it. Fucking Bale.
57′: Sergio Ramos is too busy staring at Gareth Bale to step up so he keeps the entire Juventus team onside. Fucking Bale. And Pogba skies to knock a header back in front of goal. Fucking Bale. And Alvaro Morata’s shot goes off of Iker Casillas’ hands and into goal because Bale didn’t have the good sense to be transferred to Manchester United in a swap for David De Gea. Fucking Bale. Real Madrid now needs a goal just to force extra time because its away goal won’t count for more than Juventus’s away goal. Fucking Bale.
58′: Morata didn’t even celebrate his goal because he looked at Bale, who was not celebrating, and chose to follow Bale’s example. Fucking Bale.
67′: Carlo Ancelotti subs off Benzema for Javier Hernández because Bale ate Mexican food that one time. Fucking Bale.
69′: Claudio Marchisio is in all alone on goal … and Casillas makes a great save! But why doesn’t that count as a goal for Real Madrid? Fucking Bale.
71′: Ronaldo hits a cross to the back post that Bale leaps for, but he heads it over the bar. Fucking Bale.
73′: Chicharito slips as Patrice Evra leans on him. The referee says no penalty kick. Fucking Bale.
78′: Dani Carvajal tries to pass to Bale, but Bale is not wearing a Juve kit so the pass actually went five yards wide and to the other team. Fucking Bale.
84′: Buffon is looking pretty sweaty and it’s kinda gross. Fucking Bale.
90′: The fourth official signals four minutes of stoppage time, which is weird because the board should read “UNTIL REAL MADRID SCORES.” Fucking Bale.
91′: It’s really hot and the players are tired because Bale forgot to make his bed this morning and Mother Nature is pissed. Fucking Bale.
94′: Casillas, trying to rush, takes a throw-in, but it’s a foul throw. He should have spent more time watching Bale take throw-ins so he’d learn how they work. Fucking Bale.
Full-time: The rules say the team that has scored fewer goals over two legs loses. Fucking Bale.