Here are the highlights from MLS commissioner Don Garber’s Facebook Q-and-A

Major League Soccer comissioner Don Garber, a.k.a. Donny Garbz, a.k.a. D-Nice, a.k.a. Don Juan Triumphant — better known as Mr. Steal Yo’ Team to the NASL and USL — wanted to reach out to the people yesterday. With some help from FOX Soccer, he conducted a Facebook Q&A.

As you know, few places are as strange and potentially horrifying as a soccer conversations on the unlimited character free-for-all that is Facebook. If you don’t know this, you’re probably the reason. Combined with the MLS fan credo, which is simply “Don Garber is the great Satan,” this was always destined to be a shitshow.

For our own amusement, let’s cherry-pick some of the best stuff:

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Solid Q from Youjin; better A from The Don. If my Twitter timeline is representative of the national picture, then the only thing MLS fans care about more than domestic soccer is random-ass dogs. Boo Radley — a really questionable name for many reasons — will earn Garber some cool points.

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Solid question from this Lalas kid. I don’t know about everyone else, but I yearn for the day when MLS is important enough to be rampant with match-fixing. We haven’t made it until organized crime is involved, and legalized gambling is a great gateway to that relationship. We don’t have to be as bad as Serie A. We can keep it mild and respectable. Like La Liga.

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Translation: “Why? Do you know somebody who’s trying to cut a check? If so, tell your friends … to get with my friends … and we can be friends. I don’t care where. Iowa City? Colorado 2? Floating island on the ol’ Mississippi? Doesn’t matter.”

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Included because our man Levi here is crazy. I know first-hand the expression Garber makes when you offer him a ridiculous idea, knowing damn well it could never happen. It is my sincere dream for Levi that he will one day have the formative experience of the commissioner looking at him like he should be placed in an asylum.

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The Don Garber that I’ve completely fabricated in my imagination would have answered this with “deez nuts” or “ya mama” and kept it moving.

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Reid Davis is trying to get himself killed. Don’t let your keyboard soccer activism get you hurt. The Don is old school from Queens.

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So focused! So on #brand. Try again, RON BARNES! You can’t catch Don Garber slipping that easily. This man still has a garage full of old Continental tires he hasn’t used on his Audi yet.

 

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