Assessing the crime scene after Bayern Munich dismantled Porto

Bayern Munich went into the second leg of its Champions League quarterfinal trailing Porto 3-1. Theoretically, the team was in trouble.

And what was Bayern’s response to being “in trouble?” To ruthlessly extinguish Porto and maim its families in the process.

What does that look like in terms of a final score? This time, it was only 6-1. The score was 5-0 at halftime, but it could have been 10-1. Bayern absolutely bulldozed a good Porto team and continued to pummel it even after the result was beyond doubt. It could have gone for more in the second half, but there are only so many things you can do to a bloody corpse.

Let’s recap the crime:

Warning: not suitable for children under the age of 13.

Goal 1: Juan Bernat hits a great cross for Thiago Alcântara, who buries his header.

Translation: Bayern Munich started off the incident with a kick to Porto’s groin, following up with an uppercut to the face. Uncalled for.

Goal 2: A corner kick gets nodded on and finds Jérôme Boateng, who also heads home to level the aggregate score. Thanks to the away goals rule, Bayern has the edge.

Translation: Bayern brought a knife to this fight, cut Porto and left it on the ground to bleed. If Porto just lies there and shuts up, it may survive the day.

Goal 3: It hasn’t even been five minutes since the last goal, but Philipp Lahm finds Thomas Müller, who hits a beautiful pass for Robert Lewandowski. The Pole finishes perfectly, heading in München’s third goal of the half.

Translation: Porto haven’t had time to bleed out yet, but Bayern decided to reach into its body and rip out its organs, leaving them next to the body for effect. This has become the worst sequel to Saw.

Goal 4: Müller’s shot from 25 yards is deflected, but still should be saved. It’s not, and Bayern leads 4-0 after a mere 36 minutes.

Translation: Bayern Munich is now chopping Porto into pieces and force feeding the parts to its families. This doesn’t even make sense anymore.

Goal 5: Once more, it’s Müller to Lewandowski, and once more, it results in a goal. It’s not even halftime yet.

Translation: Bayern Munich took Porto’s families to the center of the pitch and put each and every one in a guillotine. There’s blood everywhere. It’s a George R. R. Martin wet dream, and it’s completely gross.

Porto goal: Why would you make Bayern angrier?

Red card to Porto: Yeah, Bayern Munich need more reasons to inflict pain upon you.

Goal 6: With a bit of grace and class, Xabi Alonso hits a perfect free kick that finds the top corner. The Bayern Munich machine is still rolling.

Translation: Bayern Munich collected all the body parts from the pitch, fired them into space and then shot the spaceship down, obliterating it to pieces in deep space. It’s nonsensical and completely gratuitous, but Porto should not have scored that goal.


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