Gareth Bale is out for three weeks. Here’s how he should fill that time.

The sun never seems to shine on Gareth Bale for long. His 2014-15 season has been draped in a deep blue melancholy from which he doesn’t appear able to free himself. Now, as Real Madrid prepares to wrestle Atlético in Europe and make a last-gasp push to catch Barcelona for the league crown, there’s news that the crestfallen midfielder could miss up to three weeks of action.

Since the “soleus,” isn’t a real body part, Madrid probably meant Bale’s soul is damaged. He’s a broken man. Carlo Ancelotti said “a solution must be found, especially in his absence,” it’s unclear if that solution is to find an on-field replacement or to change all the security codes at the training facility, making it impossible for him to rejoin the club.

If Gary Bale’s smart, he’ll using this precious time away from the game to take stock in his life and piece his soul back together. As a caring person who is also quite broken, I’d like to offer a few ways for Bale to spend three weeks.

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Despite his obvious talent, Real Madrid treats Gary like a dead battery. He needs to go somewhere he’s appreciated. We already know he’s a competent basketball player, and the Miami Heat is currently one superstar short of getting back to Eastern Conference domination. Bale is a freak athlete, great on the wings, and possibly the only athlete that gets more hate than LeBron James. This marriage is perfect.

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If Ben Stiller and Owen Wilson can play supermodels, so can Gareth Bale. His face has the requisite “uniqueness,” Zoolander 2 is on the way, and it’s the perfect vehicle for him to expand his skill set. He can play the part of a rival to Zoolander who takes all the best jobs modeling for plumbing supplies, or oil changes.

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I’m not sure how Gareth Bale feels about his human-stuffed-animal of a teammate, James Rodríguez, but if I were him, I would see the kid as a threat. He needs to be eliminated. Three weeks away from soccer will give Bale plenty of time for a long con in which he can gaslight James into thinking his choice to become a professional player was a mistake. Fill his head with false memories of how happy he was as a child, picking out produce with his mother. Convince him to quit Madrid and go back to Colombia to be a green grocer.

If none of these options are appealing, perhaps Bale can go back to his roots, head to Wales for a fishing retreat and crack a few beers with his countrymen Tom Jones, Aaron Ramsey, and Batman Christian Bale (who I assume is his cousin). They could all share a laugh about how Ryan Giggs wasn’t invited because they don’t trust him to not make a series of inappropriate phone calls to Catherine Zeta-Jones at 2 a.m.

Whatever he decides to do. Gareth Bale needs to get away for a little while. Head off to some place where there’s no Marca or AS the newsstands.


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