The time has come for the leadership of the world’s various federation to stand up, be counted and pledge allegiance to The Sepp – Joseph “Sepp” Blatter, who is currently seeking his 401st (or, fifth) term as FIFA president. Meeting in the Bahamas, several delegates from CONCACAF have gone way beyond the call of duty to swear fealty to their golden god-king.
CONCACAF president Jeffrey Webb stated that “Membership is sending a message that we continue to support Blatter” in his campaign against the election’s candidates: former Portuguese international Louis Figo, Prince Ali Bin Al Hussein of Jordan and Dutch Football Association president Michael van Praag.
To drive Webb’s point home, a couple of CONCACAF federation bosses competed with each other to see who could get Blatter’s boots cleanest after a proper licking. Leaders from Jamaica, Haiti, Turks & Caicos, Cuba, Panama, St. Vincent and the Grenadines and Puerto Rico all vowed to to vote to keep Blatter in office. The most pathetic public offerings came from the Trinidad and Tobago FA boss who called Blatter “the father of football” — which is a moronic thing to say unless Blatter has recently adopted a child he has renamed Football — and Dominican Republic FA president Osiris Guzman, who according to The Guardian, likened Blatter to Moses, Abraham Lincoln, Martin Luther King, Jesus Christ and any number of increasingly ridiculous historical figures.
In case your brain is unable to process that last bit, they included this handy photo collage to illustrate the story:
Collages are fun, and if The Guardian made a collage then it’s probably the journalistic standard for covering this story. We at Soccer Gods don’t like being left behind on the cutting edge media front, so we have constructed a collage of our own to reflect the historical figures we best see as reflections of Blatter.
- Elmer Fudd during “Wabbit season”
- Paul Blart: Mall Cop on wet grass
- A chalk drawing of a Brazilian Homer Simpson
- Legally blind Suge Knight
- Casual Friday Tywin Lannister