As a 20-year-old college student who scored the winner against Mexico on his first U.S. start, Stanford University striker Jordan Morris was certainly the best story in the 2-0 victory over Mexico in San Antonio.
But he officially wasn’t the best player, and could never have been. Not even if he’d scored a hat-trick, then given mouth-to-mouth resuscitation to save the life of a bald eagle that lay stricken in the opposition penalty area after becoming entangled in a stars and stripes flag and falling from the rafters of the Alamodome.
As Brian Strauss pointed out, the award is sponsored by Budweiser, and thus Morris is ineligible. That’s because Budweiser is – don’t be scared, kids – a beer. And as you know, if anyone under 21 drinks beer they are disgusting criminals who ought to go to jail and will definitely go to hell.
In order to protect America’s moral values, then, and ensure our youth are not corrupted by that oversweet, bubbly taste of brewed goodness, youngsters like Morris aren’t able to collect such an award. Think of the children.
Now, you might argue, a man of the match award that automatically excludes the winning goalscorer from contention might just be a little flawed. You could also point out that if U.S. Soccer is so deeply concerned about not drawing minors’ attention to alcohol, why does it have an official beer in the first place?
Of course, it probably says something about American soccer’s habit of not blooding players until they’re about five years older than in most countries that this isn’t a problem that arises very often.
Luckily – as often on the field – it was Michael Bradley to the rescue. He gave Morris a souvenir pennant from the match, which he can hang on his dorm room wall at Stanford next to his posters of Che Guevara and Bob Marley. Reports that when presented with the gift, Morris replied “What’s this piece of crap, dude? I was hoping for a keg,” are probably reports that we just now made up on the spot.
Still, the key number from yesterday is not so much “dos” or “cero” but “veintiuno”. No wonder Klinsmann plays so many games in Europe, where the legal limit’s usually 18. America’s next matches: away to the Netherlands in Amsterdam, the continent’s capital of sinful pleasure; and to Germany in Cologne, which is world-famous for its beers. Just saying.