Jürgen Klopp leaves Borussia Dortmund – what’s his next hipster move?

So European soccer’s favorite hipster coach is leaving Borussia Dortmund at the end of the season. Inevitably, the rumor mill has begun to link him with a move to England, perhaps on the basis that he’d instantly make Manchester City 100 times more likable if he went there.

Seriously, though: can we really picture Jürgen Klopp sharing a touchline with Tony Pulis and Sam Allardyce? And the Premier League … that’s not very “alt”, is it? It’s the league where clubs twice fired bearded nerd-prodigy André Villas-Boas because he liked tactics too much. It’s the league where Alan Pardew thrives. It’s not right for you, Jürgen.

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So, what’s really next for Klopp?

  • Becomes a barista in Brooklyn. True, this is by now a cliched hipster occupation, but Klopp will add his unique twist by creating the BVB logo in foam on lattes, instead of hearts, flowers or ironic images of Karl Rove.
  • Spotted riding a penny farthing to a tattoo shop in Portland
  • Joins USMNT, forms coalition of the Jurgens. Recent results suggest that one Jurgen might not be enough to turn the U.S. into a global power. Doubling the Jurgen quotient will surely help
  • Waits for Pep Guardiola to leave, then takes charge of Bayern Munich. Being unconventional is a key component of hipsterism. And what could be more unconventional for Klopp than doing something very conventional?
  • Turns down Man City to take charge of up-and-coming FC Irtysh Pavlodar in Kazakhstan
  • Becomes Germany’s spokesman for Pabst Blue Ribbon