Review of a review: Manchester United’s favorite Chinese restaurant

Manchester United staff and players frequent a Chinese restaurant in Manchester called Wing’s.

Here’s Manchester United manager Louis van Gaal chumming it up with Mr. Wing.

Here’s Radamel Falcao at Wing’s, with Mr. Wing, shortly after signing for United.

Here’s Falcao a few days later at Wing’s with Robin van Persie and Patrick Kluivert.

I couldn’t find Wing’s Zagat rating. For those unfamiliar with Zagat ratings, don’t ever become a person who references Zagat ratings when discussing eating establishments. That’s really all you need to know. Those people, almost without exception, are terrible.

Nevertheless, I’m just going to blindly assume that Wing’s got a 27 rating for its food, which basically means that you’re dealing with an establishment frequented by kings, queens, and aristocrats. Actually, any famous people will do, especially soccer players.

Mr. Wing is a rabid Manchester United fan. That probably explains the love that Mr. Wing shows toward United players and staff. But how does Wing’s treat its other non-wealthy, non-footballing patrons? Let’s visit Trip Advisor. These are some of the worst of the terrible reviews:

1. Chinese Crackers

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Because I’m terrible, I thought this one-star review was going somewhere very different. I felt like I needed to know more about “Chinese Crackers.” But the review didn’t go in that direction. That, however, didn’t mean that it was devoid of entertainment.

ONE highlight of THIS review: “They actually look you up and down with complete contempt, that is unless you are a Average FOOTBALL PLAYER,Wag or ‘in your own mind, CELEBRITY.’”

This is a great review typed by someone willing to spend a pretty coin at Wing’s, but not enough to figure out how to work the CAPS LOCK. Despite the one star, James M gives Wing’s a 3/5 for Value and a 3/5 for food.

Also, “rood.”

2. Just plain rude!

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“ … my birthday treat to watch Strictly.”

Dellidge is probably referring to BBC One show Strictly Come Dancing, the BBC’s version of Dancing with the Stars. That detail is hilarious because it’s 100% unnecessary. More Trip Advisor and Yelp reviews need gratuitous information like, “I was in the bathroom doing the business for about 45 minutes until I couldn’t feel my legs. Then I went to Nando’s for chicken purposes.”

Although that’s the highlight of this review, Wing’s staff is once again presented as rude. Footballers are also, once again, recognized.

3. It’s not all about the money?

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Um, I think the pattern’s kind of clear: It kind of is all about the money. k4rlosd also recognizes the value of footballers, specifically Wayne Rooney. k4rlosd needs to get a grip and stop hating.

Wing’s gets a 1/5 for value, atmosphere and service. You’ll start to notice that the people hating aren’t really hating on the food that much. Point for Mr. Wing.

4. Hahaha, Mr. Wing is the greatest person

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The patterns are starting to crystalize. If you don’t get it by now, here’s the truth: Mr. Wing is the greatest host alive, or at least probably the greatest host in the Greater Manchester Area. Somehow, regular people don’t get that their measly tips and company don’t impress Mr. Wing. Random civilians can’t produce one-on-one meetings with Wayne Rooney and Sir Alex Ferguson.

Mr. Wing sat 225CarolG and her party down next to a footballer. They were given complimentary drinks, probably because Mr. Wing is a great man. This is a Chinese restaurant for the wealthy. Poors really need to stop with the complaints. It’s like going into a mob restaurant and complaining that you don’t get the same service as Big Tony Lasagna. Footballers and wealthy people go to Wing’s because Mr. Wing protects them from crazy people like you. Because you people don’t know how to act around fame.

Please note that 225CarolG won’t recommend this restaurant to anyone, but gives the food a 4/5. And 225CarolG has the nerve to call Mr. Wing rude.

If anyone else has anything of note to say about Wing’s, please tweet it to @soccergods.

Trip Advisor also has some good reviews for Wing’s, if you’re into that sort of thing.