When you woke up this morning, did the world feel like a different place? Was your alarm tone replaced by the glorious shriek of a bald eagle? Did you feel like God was shedding a little bit more grace on thee than usual? If so, you are not alone. According to top source, The Internet, U.S. Soccer’s 2015 home jersey has been leaked, and it is the most American thing you can possibly wear. It is exceptionalism in physical form.
Assuming you’re a good citizen and hold fast to proud American ideals like the Chrysler 200 being the finest mid-sized sedan on the market, this is the most beautiful garment you’ve ever had the chance to purchase. Really, you should have stopped reading this already and gone to your favorite website to drop a hundred bucks – a small pre-order price to pay to fund democracy (via Nike).
Featuring one red stripe for every Tim Howard save against Belgium in the World Cup, this new jersey is the first steep towards the United States becoming the nation our founding fathers envisioned.
If more people bought this jersey, America wouldn’t be the welfare state it is now. People would be motivated and pulling themselves up by the bootstraps. They’d be pulling their friends up by the bootstraps; having bootstraps added to their more casual footwear that didn’t even have bootstraps. For America.
Have you heard about that new nuclear weapons deal the U.S. just struck with Middle Eastern Conference rival, Iran? It happened because Secretary of State John Kerry was rocking one of these bad boys. He showed up to crown some good with brotherhood on them boys from Iran, and they didn’t know what hit them.
Okay … that might be taking it a little too far, but you get the point. With this, even Captain Communism Jurgen Klinsmann will understand that soccer in America isn’t about his liberal ideas and wheat grass smoothies. It’s about hard work and dedication. Assuming the women’s team will wear something similar, our proud ladies will regain the dominant form of their foremothers, planting the stars and stripes in the form of lopsided victories at major tournaments, regardless of how much other national programs have progressed in the last 15 years. Wearing this, maybe the United States will finally get a real leader, like Vladamir Putin. Or Frank Underwood.
Today, we owe a debt of gratitude to the Nike designers, or Photoshop artists who have blessed our beloved nation with this opportunity to correct our business casual mistakes of the past. Now, it’s time for business serious. This summer’s World Cup and Gold Cup — and a return to wholesome core values — are as good as ours.