Sporting Kansas City would like to sell you a Sporting Kansas City-branded credit card

Sporting Kansas City — Major League Soccer’s leader in local-product-endorsement-chances created (per Opta) — is at it again with another wacky commercial. From pizza to tacky and expensive underwear, there’s no product the Wizards Kansas City can’t move. This time, it wants to help you get your credit game on point with some low interest rate borrowing. If MLS fandom reflects the talent base, credit cards are important, because there isn’t a ton of cash on hand in American soccer.

The star of the ad is this odd man:

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He believes himself to be “part of the team” now that he has a Sporting Kansas City-branded credit card from Bank That Isn’t Paying Fusion For This Free Publicity. He encourages you to do the same, as though a marriage of your sports and financial interests will make you a more complete human. Personally, I’m not inclined to take advice from people who smile this much. No one with that broad of a smile really understands how money works.

Why would I ever let someone who allowed the likes of Seth Sinovic to leave him hanging like that without immediate retribution tell me how and where I should do my banking. This man obviously doesn’t have his life in order.

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Look at the disgust on these faces. This credit card man was probably in the SKC locker room last year offering bad stock tips. Now half the team is looking for second jobs to pay the rent.

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This ad is probably supposed to get laughs, but you can see the exact moment that Ike Opara had a very real breakthrough and understood that he is in no way financially prepared for retirement. What’s he going to do? Go back and get an advanced degree? Get into coaching? Drop a mixtape? He needs real answers, but all his employers have offered him is some weirdo eating a hot dog in a swimming pool, talking about reward points. The Players Union needs to provide better leadership in situations like this.

There’s a slight chance that this isn’t a real commercial at all, but an art/commentary piece on modern football and fans being nothing more than consumers to clubs. If so, then this is an amazing bit of work and the Sporting Kansas City roster is the best ensemble cast since “Ocean’s Sixteen.” If not, Peter Vermes is going to call the the friends he made at the police-only barber shop and have “Mazuma Mike” arrested for wire fraud or something.

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