Earlier today, the American soccer rumor mill was all systems go when news broke that the LA Galaxy were reportedly offering to pay for Steven Gerrard — and possibly his family, if he’s into that — to live in a $20,000 a week mansion in Malibu. It’s the most outstanding skirting of the rules by an MLS team that I can recall in quite some time (that’s been made public, if it’s true). It’s brilliant, and the clearest sign why the Galaxy have spent two decades at the top of the domestic soccer heap. They understand what’s important. Who cares about youth development and reserve squads when you can blow 20 stacks a week on one man’s home — a man you’re already paying enough in base salary to fund all of the USL for five years (estimate).
As much fun as that was, fear not, because today’s absurd episode of MLS Cribs isn’t over! Soon-to-be New York City FC midfielder Frank Lampard was in the Big Apple this weekend, taking in the sights as his new club took on Sporting Kansas City — and lost — at Yankee Stadium.
“Introducing one of the most Magnificent Penthouse homes in New York City. This Contemporary Masterpiece, with Sweeping 360 degree views of the Hudson River and the City, spans across the top two floors of a Premier West Village building. The overall volume of the space is incredible with almost approximately 9,000sf of interior space and 5,300sf of private Landscaped Terraces. The Exquisite Penthouse boasts a grand living room with wood burning fireplace, dramatic double height ceilings, 5 plus bedrooms and some of most impressive private Outdoor Spaces in Manhattan. The Expansive master suite is a flawless sanctuary featuring a fireplace, two windowed walk-in closets, en-suite bathroom with steam room, and access to one of the multiple outdoor areas. The Sprawling Outdoor Terraces are featured on both levels of the Penthouse and create an unrivaled setting for entertaining.”
(Someone needs capitalization help.)
Who designed this place? There are 14,300 square feet available, and 37 percent of it is dedicated to outdoor space in a city that where no one wants to be outdoors for a third of the year. Lampard is getting screwed here.
But that’s not even the strangest feature.
Let’s continue with a few more details from this magnificent New York City listing:
“Other highlights found in this Mansion in the sky include a library with wood burning fireplace, home office, formal dining room, eat in chefs kitchen equipped with twin Subzero refrigerators and a barbecue grill, along with a full prep kitchen and a generous walk in pantry. This Spectacular home also includes an approx. 3000sf private garage that fits up to 7 cars (valet up to 14) and operates privately between the residence and the garage.”
Have you figured out the strangest feature yet? Lampard’s new pad, should he make this real, features a private garage big enough to hold seven cars — as in five, six, SEVEN. There is no chance that Frank Lampard is driving himself anywhere while he’s with NYCFC. All of the random dead space in his new home will probably be used to build a panic room when he decides that playing soccer in a baseball stadium was a mistake and he quits the team, but he’s too afraid to walk the streets.
So once again, here we are: Gerrard versus Lampard. LA Galaxy versus NYCFC. Liverpool versus
Chelsea Manchester City. It’s all going to be decided right here with your votes. We’ve compiled relevant pics from Gerrard and Lampard’s respective new spots and we leave it to you do decide who’s balling harder. On the surface, this may seem easy, but there’s a catch: $20,000 a week in New York City barely covers the cost of parking. Despite offering 2,600 fewer square feet of actual livable space and no land with luxurious fruit trees, Lampard’s apartment costs a berserk $95,000 a month.
The perfect conclusion of this monumental afternoon would be a group of minimum salary players taking pictures and video that completely over-exaggerate their proximity to the poverty line. Imagine five of six Portland Timbers with an Instagram video passing a single box of store-brand corn flakes around their small communal table, while one looks at pictures of these palaces on his phone. That would be art.
And now, it’s time to vote: